Ego clinging, loosening the grip

I have been tense in my upper back, my neck, as if there is compression which would enjoy release, it has seen my body contort itself during the recent meditations and interrupt stillnes.

Today I found toward the end of the meditation I thought a current hindrance is that I am still doing meditation for personal glory: that it may lead me to a place where I am good to others which will reflect well on me.

Hiwever, I feel also that this is not quite true, as if I am good to others that will be enough for me, but my ego clings on, wanting praise, wanting reward. It is lessening, but there.

There are enough glimpses in meditation of peace to draw me on, to the love of all life, where I share stillness and insight.

Meditation Reflection - 30 Oct 14

Felt like I had some moments of being present today, that my mind stilled and I was part of the world, or at least not remote from it. There was peace and space in that, and then my thoughts filled the space, began to look for meaning and purpose, which removed me a bit, but not as far as before I started the meditation.

The Waterfall

I am captured by the sound of the waterfall
and assaulted by the sound of people
who aren't captured
by the sound of the waterfall,
who are speaking words
as if they had as much meaning
as the endless shushing
of the waterfall.

Those that pause here long enough
gradually become silent,
still, for a moment,
understand at some level
that there is something beyond
the noise of their own lives,
then forget
that such peace as there is to find
in this world
is only found by disappearing

into the sound of the waterfall.

Meditation Reflection - Drop Anchor

I would like to remember that how and what I am is good enough. All my life I have been pulled and pushed, internally and externally, incited and excited to move from what and where I am, to have, to own, to prove, to climb. I still do it now in meditation, to somehow attain, overcome, dominate, rule, and never to accept and be. Yet I may be able to, by stopping during meditation, to drop anchor and be here, wherever that is, and let all else go by.

Unguided Meditation Reflection - May 05 14

I have been meditating for a few days with no guidance, though a couple of times after listening to part of a talk.

After a period of anxiety I have been calmer in the past few days, the anxiety broke for some reason, the anxiety to do with affording to live here without getting employment. It had come on strongly, nothing has changed since the day it came on, except I find my perception of our financial situation has relaxed a bit.

I don't think this is to do with meditation, but it is possible that the anxiety did not last as long as it might were I not meditating. Either way, I like the routine of getting up and meditating, even if the meditation is not meditation, but sitting and letting thoughts roll around in a more relaxed mind.

When moments of peace come they are very noticeable, but I have not yet stayed in them for hardly any time at all. When I consider what I write I avoid words like try and want, though I still feel I am trying and wanting. To avoid the words on the page is a lie I hope will become true in life.

Doing, being, accepting, these are happiness. I know that, somehow.

"30 Minute Meditation" Reflection - Apr 30 14

Link to the meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to this feeling quite tired and looking to use the practice for some mental clarity before continuing the day. Well, that's wanting right there, and as it turned out, I was able to let go the body quite well, and quite quickly, but them proceeded to drift into thoughts about exactly what I was looking to clear my mind about before taking it on later.

There were some moments of quiet, when I heard the rain outside, and let go the thoughts, but they were brief, and though I have benefitted from relaxing for half an hour, I have barely touched on the practice of meditation.

It's laughable to think I spend other reflections considering enlightenment and deep stages, when I don't have the mindfulness to stop thinking for more than a few seconds.

"Letting Go" Meditation Reflection - Apr 30 14

Link to the meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation a little more anxious than other days recently since fears of stress and struggle around finances were on my mind. To let go of them a little during meditation was a relief, feeling my self free of them was a great burden lifted. Free in the sense of going with the flow, that the stresses come and go and needn't overwhelm, if I have a less obsessive attitude toward them.

There's also the sense of an attitude that "everything will work out ok," which I have heard in the guidance and talks as a reasonable state of mind for life, and perhaps based on the idea that this life is not as important as we, who are unenlightened, make it out to be.

The short term anxieties that are part of society have a deep hold on me some days, I always seem to look to avoid them by reacting with fear and reaching out for help. I learn on the way what it is to have anxieties, so this allows me to be more compassionate and empathetic, and still I wish these anxieties over practical matters were more easily borne and less disruptive.

I have another sense that when I come to that lessening of those particular burdens, then they will just shift elsewhere.

The aim is to be more peaceful inside rather than look for peace outside.

"Letting Go" Meditation Reflection - Apr 29 14

Link to the meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

This was a deeper meditation, after letting go the body significantly and recognizing thoughts conspiring to take me into the low level drift, I had a feeling that I was pursuing status, the spiritual materialism as well as the physical, to be considered as a valued person in the world by many other other people.

Such an attitude hinders me from taking small steps to improve my meditation. I am not in a position to attain enlightenment if I believe enlightenment is for personal gain and public acknowledgment.

I am barely in a position to stop my thoughts, yet today in the meditation, after looking at what I was wanting (status) I did find some clarity and silence in my mind, I did feel that to be kind and to be mindful could help in all situations, yes, there were distractions that came with some thoughts I could pursue and ponder, but I did not, I let them go and had a little while just being in a peaceful and clear state, I felt quite light mentally, that there was some space to enjoy without the clamor to be some other way.

The idea to stop and consider (use wisdom, such as it is) why thoughts are coming up in the midst of meditation, came from suggestions by various minks who take the meditations I follow.

The end of the meditation brought a feeling more akin to having done something constructive.

"Frog In A Pond" Meditation Reflection - Apr 28 14

Link to the meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation not long after walking, with a little distraction into world news prior to beginning the practice. I let go of the body reasonably well for a while, then had some pins and needles in a leg. It is sometimes happens and yet I can't see a difference in how I sit, so it puzzles me when I get it. Thinking started from it being moved and let that go too.

There was some silence in my meditation, moments where I was feeling part of the moment I was in, of the bigger world rather than just my subjective perception of it. Thoughts came and went, mostly about finding a place for myself amid the life of others, some definition that I require sometimes, today it was seeing myself as an agent of change in others, but I don't know why this should be, I doubt it is anything but a muddled view.

Mostly I think I may be a frog imaging what it is like out of the water and of course being wrong, never having left the pond.

"Letting Go" Meditation Reflection - Apr 27 14

Link to the meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation soon after waking and quite relaxed, sat outside with a cold wind from one side and warm sun on the other. Was able to let go of the body quite successfully, though felt it in the context of the temperature, of the cold coming in or the warmth bathing me, conscious of the light as I moved my head occasionally.

My mind was able to relax at times to quite peaceful quiet states, whilst at other times there were thoughts drifting around, which did not snare me for long, yet were distractions from silence. I was aiming to not reflect on words, or thoughts but on the experience of just being sat there.

When the meditation finished I felt pleased to have done it, yet that I had not been deeply into it, nor sat for long enough at peace. I was looking too much, I believe, wanting again. This is a practice that may take a good while until I can sidestep wanting or stop in sneaking up on me.