What is your motivation to do good? Meditation reflection – July 25 2015

I am reminded today in metta meditation (wherein I glimpsed the simple wish for happiness, though did not kindle it for long, being unfocused) that compassion ought not become pity and equanimity not ambivalence, both of which I am guilty of harboring from seemingly benevolent desire. It is currently in focus for the project I work on aimed at offering a platform for the homeless population of the world to feel and (re)build their own value, equitable to all others, used for their individual and communal good. Within this is a great uncertainty as to purity of motive, so I seek to maintain my openness about it, I strive to do good, not to patronize for insincere motives or seek credit for selfish reasons, nor pursue selfish goals unwittingly. And if I fail in this I hope to create something that may be given freely, taken from me (as it is designed to be) and used by those who have salvation in mind.

All my children are born to be adopted.

Ego clinging, loosening the grip

I have been tense in my upper back, my neck, as if there is compression which would enjoy release, it has seen my body contort itself during the recent meditations and interrupt stillnes.

Today I found toward the end of the meditation I thought a current hindrance is that I am still doing meditation for personal glory: that it may lead me to a place where I am good to others which will reflect well on me.

Hiwever, I feel also that this is not quite true, as if I am good to others that will be enough for me, but my ego clings on, wanting praise, wanting reward. It is lessening, but there.

There are enough glimpses in meditation of peace to draw me on, to the love of all life, where I share stillness and insight.

Meditation Reflection - 30 Oct 14

Felt like I had some moments of being present today, that my mind stilled and I was part of the world, or at least not remote from it. There was peace and space in that, and then my thoughts filled the space, began to look for meaning and purpose, which removed me a bit, but not as far as before I started the meditation.

Meditation Reflection - Drop Anchor

I would like to remember that how and what I am is good enough. All my life I have been pulled and pushed, internally and externally, incited and excited to move from what and where I am, to have, to own, to prove, to climb. I still do it now in meditation, to somehow attain, overcome, dominate, rule, and never to accept and be. Yet I may be able to, by stopping during meditation, to drop anchor and be here, wherever that is, and let all else go by.

Unguided Meditation Reflection - May 05 14

I have been meditating for a few days with no guidance, though a couple of times after listening to part of a talk.

After a period of anxiety I have been calmer in the past few days, the anxiety broke for some reason, the anxiety to do with affording to live here without getting employment. It had come on strongly, nothing has changed since the day it came on, except I find my perception of our financial situation has relaxed a bit.

I don't think this is to do with meditation, but it is possible that the anxiety did not last as long as it might were I not meditating. Either way, I like the routine of getting up and meditating, even if the meditation is not meditation, but sitting and letting thoughts roll around in a more relaxed mind.

When moments of peace come they are very noticeable, but I have not yet stayed in them for hardly any time at all. When I consider what I write I avoid words like try and want, though I still feel I am trying and wanting. To avoid the words on the page is a lie I hope will become true in life.

Doing, being, accepting, these are happiness. I know that, somehow.

"30 Minute Meditation" Reflection - Apr 30 14

Link to the meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to this feeling quite tired and looking to use the practice for some mental clarity before continuing the day. Well, that's wanting right there, and as it turned out, I was able to let go the body quite well, and quite quickly, but them proceeded to drift into thoughts about exactly what I was looking to clear my mind about before taking it on later.

There were some moments of quiet, when I heard the rain outside, and let go the thoughts, but they were brief, and though I have benefitted from relaxing for half an hour, I have barely touched on the practice of meditation.

It's laughable to think I spend other reflections considering enlightenment and deep stages, when I don't have the mindfulness to stop thinking for more than a few seconds.

"Letting Go" Meditation Reflection - Apr 30 14

Link to the meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation a little more anxious than other days recently since fears of stress and struggle around finances were on my mind. To let go of them a little during meditation was a relief, feeling my self free of them was a great burden lifted. Free in the sense of going with the flow, that the stresses come and go and needn't overwhelm, if I have a less obsessive attitude toward them.

There's also the sense of an attitude that "everything will work out ok," which I have heard in the guidance and talks as a reasonable state of mind for life, and perhaps based on the idea that this life is not as important as we, who are unenlightened, make it out to be.

The short term anxieties that are part of society have a deep hold on me some days, I always seem to look to avoid them by reacting with fear and reaching out for help. I learn on the way what it is to have anxieties, so this allows me to be more compassionate and empathetic, and still I wish these anxieties over practical matters were more easily borne and less disruptive.

I have another sense that when I come to that lessening of those particular burdens, then they will just shift elsewhere.

The aim is to be more peaceful inside rather than look for peace outside.

"Letting Go" Meditation Reflection - Apr 29 14

Link to the meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

This was a deeper meditation, after letting go the body significantly and recognizing thoughts conspiring to take me into the low level drift, I had a feeling that I was pursuing status, the spiritual materialism as well as the physical, to be considered as a valued person in the world by many other other people.

Such an attitude hinders me from taking small steps to improve my meditation. I am not in a position to attain enlightenment if I believe enlightenment is for personal gain and public acknowledgment.

I am barely in a position to stop my thoughts, yet today in the meditation, after looking at what I was wanting (status) I did find some clarity and silence in my mind, I did feel that to be kind and to be mindful could help in all situations, yes, there were distractions that came with some thoughts I could pursue and ponder, but I did not, I let them go and had a little while just being in a peaceful and clear state, I felt quite light mentally, that there was some space to enjoy without the clamor to be some other way.

The idea to stop and consider (use wisdom, such as it is) why thoughts are coming up in the midst of meditation, came from suggestions by various minks who take the meditations I follow.

The end of the meditation brought a feeling more akin to having done something constructive.

"Frog In A Pond" Meditation Reflection - Apr 28 14

Link to the meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation not long after walking, with a little distraction into world news prior to beginning the practice. I let go of the body reasonably well for a while, then had some pins and needles in a leg. It is sometimes happens and yet I can't see a difference in how I sit, so it puzzles me when I get it. Thinking started from it being moved and let that go too.

There was some silence in my meditation, moments where I was feeling part of the moment I was in, of the bigger world rather than just my subjective perception of it. Thoughts came and went, mostly about finding a place for myself amid the life of others, some definition that I require sometimes, today it was seeing myself as an agent of change in others, but I don't know why this should be, I doubt it is anything but a muddled view.

Mostly I think I may be a frog imaging what it is like out of the water and of course being wrong, never having left the pond.

"Letting Go" Meditation Reflection - Apr 27 14

Link to the meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation soon after waking and quite relaxed, sat outside with a cold wind from one side and warm sun on the other. Was able to let go of the body quite successfully, though felt it in the context of the temperature, of the cold coming in or the warmth bathing me, conscious of the light as I moved my head occasionally.

My mind was able to relax at times to quite peaceful quiet states, whilst at other times there were thoughts drifting around, which did not snare me for long, yet were distractions from silence. I was aiming to not reflect on words, or thoughts but on the experience of just being sat there.

When the meditation finished I felt pleased to have done it, yet that I had not been deeply into it, nor sat for long enough at peace. I was looking too much, I believe, wanting again. This is a practice that may take a good while until I can sidestep wanting or stop in sneaking up on me.

"Remember You're Asleep" Meditation Reflection - Apr 26 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

I saw in this meditation that the enlightened ones are leaving clues; helping us to know we are asleep and to wake us up, either gently, or with a jolt. This is what dreaming gives us: a pattern to follow, a clue. This is what life's wanting is about: the sense that we are not fulfilled, but it gets mistaken for a thing to be fulfilled by accumulating and digging your heels in, being so completely asleep that you make the dream idyllic, not wanting to wake up; when it is the dream itself that must recognized before you can begin fulfillment.

My life could be construed as a visit to experience wanting and to connect with what I had forgotten in a previous life, perhaps where I had tantalizing glimpses of enlightenment; a life where I wondered what it would be like to want and worry, looking to do that in the next life, this one.

Could this be why I came into this life with muddied insight into there being more than I experienced in my waking moments, feeling different, having imagination that drove me inward, having poor sight to keep me there, being prodded along the way to keep me uncomfortable, saying "feel deeply what this life is," whilst always hinting that this is not all there is, that this is impermanent, so don't fall in so far that you can't get out?

Then I forgot; lived a human experience, and now once again the prodding happens: don't get lost, there is more than this, just experience this as one part of existence.

The fish in the water is the soul in a human, the I that you are is a small part of the whole truth.

Meditation is there to help you remember you're asleep and to let you wake up.

"You cannot teach the stomach to catch food." Meditation Reflection - Apr 25 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm,

I came to the meditation relaxed and ready to let go of things and see where the meditation, and did let go of my body significantly, but after a while with my mind, I forgot to let things go, to throw them away and drifted few a few thoughts, then my mindfulness would say, "What is it you are doing, can you move around that and let things go, to see what happens when there is silence?" and I went there for a little while before again finding a thread that I picked up instead of leaving on the ground and so the meditation unravels a little bit at a time whenever I pick up that thread and pull on it. I will make progress when I see the thread and can leave it alone.

Enlightenment can only be found when you stop looking, and I am searching everywhere at the moment. My focus is in the wrong place. You cannot teach the stomach to catch food.

"Letting Go" Meditation Reflection - Apr 23 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Not the revelatory insights of yesterday, but another foray into relaxing yet thinking, punctuated by brief passages of peace where I let go the thoughts; in a very small way began to let go of myself.

I still found the sense that the human existence here is just part of a complete existence beyond time and physicality, but I did not pursue it, just let that feeling arrive and leave: the guidance to not ponder during meditation being in my mind, and allowing me to let go of pondering after a while, but not immediately.

There was a moment when I felt that my journey through wanting, wondering and worrying could be let go for one of joyful contentment; that in fact that was simply my choice at any time, to leave behind a path I have been on and step to a new one.

To reduce the frustration in my inability to take that step I say to myself that I will be able to take it when the time is right, when the step is clearly presented to me as possible. This is a knowing misunderstanding of making the best of what you have, I am waiting to be hit of the head with another gift from the universe, whilst I wallow in my poor choices. I am moving myself a little nearer living a good life with the current passage of time though, I believe.

There is another path there, I may be able to take it sooner, and by choice rather than by having it handed to me. I may be able to let go of my chains and shackles.

"Letting Go" Meditation Reflection - Apr 21 14

Link to meditation guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, though with a head full of thoughts, and despite the guidance encouraging us to throw out the ballast and rise free of burdens, I remained sat resolutely on the ground, thinking, though in a relaxed manner. This is sometimes my lot: my pastiche of meditation.

When asked at the the end, "what's it like to be free?" I smile, shake my head gently and say, "I have no idea."

Now I'm off to finish our taxes. :-)

'What's it like to be free?' Meditation Reflection - Apr 20 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, though with a head full of thoughts, and despite the guidance encouraging us to throw out the ballast and rise free of burdens, I remained sat resolutely on the ground, thinking, though in a relaxed manner. This is sometimes my lot; my pastiche of meditation. When asked at the the end, "What's it like to be free?" I smile, shake my head gently and say, "I have no idea." Now I'm off to finish our taxes. ;-)

'Letting Go' Meditation Reflection - Apr 18 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Does this really help, to list my reflections? Maybe it helps me, but that wasn't supposed to be the point. How can my detailing my meditation practice help you?

I hoped there may be some common ground, a place where what i experienced connected with yours, but it would be the blind leading the blind in some ways. Lots of Monkeys hoping to write Shakespeare. Still, Here we are.

I came to the meditation quire relaxed, and let go of the body somewhat, my thoughts drifted around low level concerns and ideas, family things, complaints, wanting work, wanting attention. then at some point my body started it's twisting again, it has been happening fairly consistently recently, my head twists far to the right, stretching out the left side neck muscles quite far, it feels comfortable whilst it's happening, then afterward my neck feels a bit achy.

Ajahn had said its almost always excellent where the body contorts itself as long as we are not compelling it consciously, so i go with it. Hopefully it will help my upper back pain.

How does that help you? Well, maybe I could say, "I find my body contorting itself, I had heard guidance that should it do so, it is usually excellent for you, the body working it's own kinks out, so if you find that happening to you, let it continue, I'm passing on what I heard."

How does my basically relating the ongoing skimming the surface of meditation help anyone? Well, maybe I can say "Once again I am only skimming ht surface of meditation, yet I know from the guidance I follow that this is the most common lay issue with meditation, and it is only the practice that will let any deeper states come. Practice combined with mindfulness, with reflection and guidance, these things can further the benefits and journey into mediation, so as I persist, come along with me and lets see how we do, let me know if you have any breakthrough."

'Letting Go' Meditation Reflection - Apr 17 14

Link to meditation guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation much relieved after the anxious state of yesterday and the evening before was released by seeing it was self-imposed, by not waiting and seeing a bigger picture, what I was afraid of was not going to happen, but my fears took me to a place where it was already happening.

Anyway, today's meditation felt peaceful, thoughts were few and my mind was quite open. The talk beforehand was about the impossibility of knowing the nature of ourselves or our existence until enlightenment so not pursuing explanation or insight, as it will always be misguided or at best just one part of the picture: a fish cannot know water.

This was part of my meditation object, allowing me not to explore thoughts that came up, which were the usual wanting: wanting to know, to be more, to be enlightened, to be wealthy, not wanting to be as I am: to be afraid, to be searching, to be lost.

These wants and not-wants are the barrier to peace, that I have not overcome, from my earliest notions as a child wanting contentment and being knowingly stuck in that paradox. I will continue practicing not wanting. I can perceive it, at least, I believe.

Though I am only a fish, maybe I am a flying fish. Perhaps I am not a fish but a dolphin, knowing of different states, yet not poking my head above water yet.

These metaphors are a poor state of affairs. They describe wanting, themselves, pointing out one who cannot just be what he is.

'Afraid of something that isn't happening' Meditation Reflection - Apr 16 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm,

Came to the meditation with much relief, after the anxious state of yesterday and the evening before was released by seeing it was self-imposed by not waiting and seeing a bigger picture.

What I was afraid of was not going to happen, but my fears took me to a place where it was already happening.

Anyway, today's meditation felt peaceful, thoughts were few and my mind was quite open. The talk beforehand was about not possibly knowing the nature of ourselves or our existence until enlightenment so it helped me hold the notion of not pursuing explanation or insight, as it will always be misguided or at best just one part of the picture: a fish cannot know water.

This was part of my meditation object, allowing me not to explore thoughts that came up, which were the usual wanting, wanting to know, to be more, to be enlightened, to be wealthy, not wanting to be as I am: to be afraid, to be searching, to be lost. These wants and not wants are the barrier to peace, I have not overcome, from my earliest notions as a child - wanting contentment and being knowingly stuck in that paradox.

I will continue practicing not wanting, I believe I can perceive it, at least.

If I am a fish, maybe I am a flying fish. Perhaps I am not a fish but a dolphin, knowing of different states, yet not poking my head above water yet.

These metaphors are a poor state of affairs. They describe wanting, themselves, pointing to one who cannot just be what they are.

'Confusing Money with Love' Meditation Reflection - Apr 15 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation immensely stressed from an uncertain financial worry. The stress is one I fall into despite it not being a certain and real imminent problem, it is a fear I have not been able to let go of. I remember at those times that a measure of the strength of ones practice is how much of the teaching can be held onto under duress. I clearly lose almost all my connection to eace at the drop of a hat, which adds to my frustration.

During the meditation I was able to let go of the body fairly well, some physical pain persists at a low level and my body still moves in what feels like an automatic way to relieve tensions in my neck and upper back.

Mentally I was able to let go of the gripping fear and repetitive thoughts, finding some moments of silence and of reflection that came to me, those being that I have confused receiving money with receiving love, have confused being paid with being valued.

Where I also suffer is being driven from a place of peace simply by the consideration of not being able to have money to live a life in which I am part of all levels of society.

The value placed by society on what I do has become a standard by which I measure being loved for myself; this is the torment of rejected art. Most work is not taken as a value by which a person measures themselves fully, yet in art it is.

I also suffer the fear of disappointing my loved ones, by proving myself to be incapable of protecting them and by still needing protection.

All these fears being considered help me feel calmer, I hope it lasts.

'Separate from your thoughts' Meditation Reflection - Apr 14 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation soon after waking, feeling quite relaxed, though my sleep was patchy. Sat outside again, using a technique of opening out my perception to let every sound in, but not follow them for meaning, only for perceiving my inclusion in the world. My thoughts were few, but there and I did not go deeply into meditation, there was also a physical discomfort that was with me for quite a while in the meditation but left by the end of it.

I feel quite refreshed and comfortable and would say the method I use has a benefit to me in lessening my thoughts so may pursue that for a while, whilst I can sit outside and meditate.

The thoughts I had went back to a discussion about religion I was having with a religious Jew who proclaimed the Torah to be clearly God's words as they have never changed, whereas as all the other religious books have different versions. It seemed to me that tales like the Iliad and the Odyssey and early Greek plays have also survived unchanged, but with commentary, like the Torah and the Talmud. Perhaps I am wrong.