'Letting Go' Meditation Reflection - Apr 17 14

Link to meditation guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation much relieved after the anxious state of yesterday and the evening before was released by seeing it was self-imposed, by not waiting and seeing a bigger picture, what I was afraid of was not going to happen, but my fears took me to a place where it was already happening.

Anyway, today's meditation felt peaceful, thoughts were few and my mind was quite open. The talk beforehand was about the impossibility of knowing the nature of ourselves or our existence until enlightenment so not pursuing explanation or insight, as it will always be misguided or at best just one part of the picture: a fish cannot know water.

This was part of my meditation object, allowing me not to explore thoughts that came up, which were the usual wanting: wanting to know, to be more, to be enlightened, to be wealthy, not wanting to be as I am: to be afraid, to be searching, to be lost.

These wants and not-wants are the barrier to peace, that I have not overcome, from my earliest notions as a child wanting contentment and being knowingly stuck in that paradox. I will continue practicing not wanting. I can perceive it, at least, I believe.

Though I am only a fish, maybe I am a flying fish. Perhaps I am not a fish but a dolphin, knowing of different states, yet not poking my head above water yet.

These metaphors are a poor state of affairs. They describe wanting, themselves, pointing out one who cannot just be what he is.

'Afraid of something that isn't happening' Meditation Reflection - Apr 16 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm,

Came to the meditation with much relief, after the anxious state of yesterday and the evening before was released by seeing it was self-imposed by not waiting and seeing a bigger picture.

What I was afraid of was not going to happen, but my fears took me to a place where it was already happening.

Anyway, today's meditation felt peaceful, thoughts were few and my mind was quite open. The talk beforehand was about not possibly knowing the nature of ourselves or our existence until enlightenment so it helped me hold the notion of not pursuing explanation or insight, as it will always be misguided or at best just one part of the picture: a fish cannot know water.

This was part of my meditation object, allowing me not to explore thoughts that came up, which were the usual wanting, wanting to know, to be more, to be enlightened, to be wealthy, not wanting to be as I am: to be afraid, to be searching, to be lost. These wants and not wants are the barrier to peace, I have not overcome, from my earliest notions as a child - wanting contentment and being knowingly stuck in that paradox.

I will continue practicing not wanting, I believe I can perceive it, at least.

If I am a fish, maybe I am a flying fish. Perhaps I am not a fish but a dolphin, knowing of different states, yet not poking my head above water yet.

These metaphors are a poor state of affairs. They describe wanting, themselves, pointing to one who cannot just be what they are.

'Confusing Money with Love' Meditation Reflection - Apr 15 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation immensely stressed from an uncertain financial worry. The stress is one I fall into despite it not being a certain and real imminent problem, it is a fear I have not been able to let go of. I remember at those times that a measure of the strength of ones practice is how much of the teaching can be held onto under duress. I clearly lose almost all my connection to eace at the drop of a hat, which adds to my frustration.

During the meditation I was able to let go of the body fairly well, some physical pain persists at a low level and my body still moves in what feels like an automatic way to relieve tensions in my neck and upper back.

Mentally I was able to let go of the gripping fear and repetitive thoughts, finding some moments of silence and of reflection that came to me, those being that I have confused receiving money with receiving love, have confused being paid with being valued.

Where I also suffer is being driven from a place of peace simply by the consideration of not being able to have money to live a life in which I am part of all levels of society.

The value placed by society on what I do has become a standard by which I measure being loved for myself; this is the torment of rejected art. Most work is not taken as a value by which a person measures themselves fully, yet in art it is.

I also suffer the fear of disappointing my loved ones, by proving myself to be incapable of protecting them and by still needing protection.

All these fears being considered help me feel calmer, I hope it lasts.

'Separate from your thoughts' Meditation Reflection - Apr 14 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation soon after waking, feeling quite relaxed, though my sleep was patchy. Sat outside again, using a technique of opening out my perception to let every sound in, but not follow them for meaning, only for perceiving my inclusion in the world. My thoughts were few, but there and I did not go deeply into meditation, there was also a physical discomfort that was with me for quite a while in the meditation but left by the end of it.

I feel quite refreshed and comfortable and would say the method I use has a benefit to me in lessening my thoughts so may pursue that for a while, whilst I can sit outside and meditate.

The thoughts I had went back to a discussion about religion I was having with a religious Jew who proclaimed the Torah to be clearly God's words as they have never changed, whereas as all the other religious books have different versions. It seemed to me that tales like the Iliad and the Odyssey and early Greek plays have also survived unchanged, but with commentary, like the Torah and the Talmud. Perhaps I am wrong.

'Separate from your thoughts' Meditation Reflection - Apr 13 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation early after waking, felt relaxed but for some minor physical pain, being a beautiful day, I sat outside for this meditation.

Was able to let the body go mostly, save for this upper back pain/tension, I found that my body moved me about, it felt quite automatic, I was not consciously propelling myself and just went with it whilst keeping my mind open without thoughts. Instead of using the object of projecting thoughts onto a screen I was using the sounds of the world to fill the space that thoughts inhabit, though perhaps a better analogy was that I was emptying my mind of thoughts to allow the space to hear the sounds of the world. This kept my thoughts quiet for periods within the meditation. Though thoughts did drift, mostly connected to wanting; to the process of trying to find some work that would be worthwhile, enjoyable and connected to my creativity. This is a circle of thoughts that will probably persist until work is found or one of my creative projects provides the financial means to not have to work for others directly.

I finished the meditation feeling a bit better physically, and quite relaxed mentally, the emptying out of my thoughts by turning my attention outward feels like it works as a meditation object at this stage, though I know that reducing distraction is a means to peace in meditation that the guidance directs us to.

'Separate from your thoughts' Meditation Reflection - Apr 12 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation soon after awaking, with a relaxed manner, was able to let's go of the body significantly and practice relaxing my mental world. It did feel relaxed and yet, thoughts flowed when my gatekeeper had forgotten the meditation object, to send thoughts to a screen that was away and behind me, wrapping partly above me, keeping the thoughts apart from the meditation. There were periods of the meditation where this happened, and I had peaceful times, often I seem to have my mind expand to hear all the sounds of the world I am sitting in, I don't try and identify the sounds, I experience them. It is only a low level experience of meditation but it is a worthwhile one on the journey of practice.

'Separate from your thoughts.' Meditation Reflection - Apr 10 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation shortly after waking up, fitting it between that and an early appointment. Was not very physically settled and found I did not let the body go fully, adjusting several times, having pins and needles also, which I chose to move to release. Perhaps the thoughts of having the appointment disturbed me, I was able to push my thoughts out occasionally, and at other times drifted in them, though they were not anxious or strongly attracting my attention. After the meditation I feel quite relaxed and mentally more ready for the day, fresher, so let's get to it.

'Separate from your thoughts' Meditation Reflection - Apr 9 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation no differently to recent days, quite relaxed, some underlying anxieties, several paths open to take, with obstacles ahead to do so.

My meditation, after letting go the body and spending a little while having mindfulness acting as gatekeeper for thoughts, one idea in particularly came through where I sensed that to create, it would benefit to not consider the audience,  not what I thought would want to be read, but to only consider deeply what I want to say, and that this would be true of all creators, a separation from the audience is necessary to prevent dilution of the spirit in which we create; to be simply and deeply and only what we are, that others may look upon it and reflect; retain power in the uniqueness of the voice and the representation; be looking out from the inside rather than looking in from the outside.

After this path had been followed a little while my body began to make automatic movements as mentioned occasionally by Ajahn Brahm as being beneficial to the meditator if they found it happening – it may be considered the body relieving tensions or stresses long held – so I went with it and let my body twist, mostly my neck, my head being twisted far to the right, feeling it stretch the left side is of my neck significantly, being in fact restricted by the wall I was leaning against, then my body moved as far again in the opposite direction and after that to a position curled over forward.

A feeling that these positions were ones in death from hanging, or before death by beheading, came, feelings that we have all died similarly and have the body memory somewhere. That my body was somehow working these out, that I had been executed many times, hopefully that I had not been a bad person but a victim.

Strange to have those feelings, I don't invest deep meaning into them, or declare them definitive, just that this is where my sense went whilst moving these ways. I also believe my body is helping me work out recent upper back pain, though that could be spiritually connected to tensions long held for buried reasons, it could also be simply for sitting with poor posture whilst writing.

The far flung occult and the absolutely mundane are of equal value, to feel physically well now is the aim. Certainly my physical movements that twisted me today felt guided by my body and something unconscious, or deeply internal, hopefully they will prove beneficial.

I feel quite well come the end of the meditation (which I brought myself out of, having lost the audio guidance on the device).

'Separate From Your Thoughts' Meditation Reflection - Apr 8 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the the meditation without having engaged in the usual email, start of work, checking for things that must be done, 'monkey mind' morning. Made a cup of tea had sat and listened to the introduction whilst stretching and then went into the meditation under Ajahn Brahm's guidance.

After being able to relax my body enough to let it go, I found that a visualization whereby my thoughts are running on a screen behind me, rather than in front of me (where I would be watching them) was a helpful start in moving my thoughts away from me. Listening to the guidance I also heard an image suggested where one flies above the forest and free of the thoughts. I saw this, as both a butterfly and a bird were flying, yet I did not stay with it.

Thoughts did come and I followed them, one train of thought particularly where I was drawn to an idea for looking for work in a particular charity that I had a past connection with, that I had forgotten for years until the moment the thought popped into my head. I didn't want to completely dismiss those thoughts as they seemed linked to my relaxed state, as if my relaxation unblocked a tiny stream long dammed. I was not engaged in pursuing that thought without also focussing on staying relaxed in meditation, and it did go.

I came to the end of the meditation feeling quite relaxed, more so than at the start, there was a physical pain that I had not been able to let go fully, which is still with me a little, but I am feeling more in tune with the day that I was before I sat still and let myself practice meditation.

'Meditation Posture' Meditation Reflection - Apr 7 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to The meditation quite relaxed yet with a heavy heart after watching "History of the Jews" - a PBS documentary series - last night. This morning prior to the meditation I was unable to apply 'letting go of the past' to that weight of suffering, though wanted to balance it with joy. The balance is out. Anyhow, it has dulled my joy today, appropriately, maybe, though I doubt it is the Simon Schama's intention to leave the viewer feeling sad at the end of the series.

The meditation was very peaceful, I let go of the body fairly completely, with minimal fidgeting and only sight postural changes, of which some were led by my body rather than my mind.

Mentally I drifted in low level, even thoughts, and had a measure of mindfulness looking out for thoughts to guide me to silence. I did experience some silence, some peace, some, indivisibility with my surroundings.

Feeling quite calm now, pleased at least to have followed another morning's practice.

'Meditation Posture' Meditation Reflection - Apr 6 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation after a simple morning and was quite relaxed, physically comfortable. During the meditation I was not quite able to let go of the body as completely as recent days, a small ache in an ankle being enough of a distraction to be uncomfortable.

Mentally I had several bouts of thinking. I came into the meditation aiming to disappear myself and just sit with my hearing taking in the world, till I let that go, yet I did not follow that path.

My mindfulness is able to act as gatekeeper sometimes, not consistently, though I felt today, very much that it was aware, that I was able to notice my thinking and quiet it, let it quiet down, aided by my mindfulness.

This is an early stage of meditation then, perhaps, where I am consciously invoking my mindfulness, next (though to seek 'what's next' is counter-productive) may be unconscious invoking, so there is a simpler movement to silence and after that perhaps the silence where mindfulness is also at peace and can relax its attention, the mind acing become peaceful enough not to need constant, or any, monitoring. If this is a journey through meditation, it may have a path; to see where mine goes and not to direct it is in my mind.

'I won't condemn or blame.' Meditation Reflection - Apr 5 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation quite relaxed after listening to parts of a lecture and doing some stretching, I find the introductions to the meditations, after the first few listens, become a time of gearing up (down, really) for the start of the meditation, and the content of the guidance a path inward that I concentrate less on and use to relax, some ideas crop up and I hear them in ways I haven't heard them before when my focus is calmer.

During this meditation I was able to let go of the body quite well, it was connected still, but very calm, it moved of its own accord a little, I moved it a little myself a few times, at other times the stillness in it was relaxing.

My thoughts were very peripheral most of the time and I had my mindfulness quietly and gently shushing thoughts when they became too distinct, still, I did drift into brief periods of imagining current preoccupations, what if's and wanting, but happily, even now, just after the meditation, they are indistinct. I couldn't tell you a purpose or direction to those periods of thought, I am only left with the knowledge that they were going on and my mind was not silent, at rest and peaceful. Yet it was relaxed. I feel in this that I am not really fully meditating, that I am somehow shamming, simply sitting quietly and relaxing without stilling the mind and truly letting go, yet at the same time I won't condemn or blame, it is what it is at this stage in my meditation practice, it will be a different thing each time, and in time.

It feels beneficial.

'"Stress is not the purpose of life," Meditation Reflection - Apr 4 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to meditation fairly comfortable in mind and body save for carried stresses which mentally tend to anxiety and physically to pain. The pain persisted at a very low level during the meditation, the mental anxiety fell away mostly, some thoughts coming to say "Stress is not the purpose of life," also bringing up a number of things I was intending to do today, and imaginations taking me back into last night's dreams occasionally.

So mentally I did not let myself let go of thinking, although the thoughts were not anxious in nature, more peripheral and even calming at times. Still, I have not been able to use the meditation to refresh myself mentally.

At the end of the meditation I feel relaxed, quite alert, my body has been still and benefitted perhaps the most today.

Why seek unhappiness? - Meditation Reflection - April 3 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation feeling tired, weary, mostly mentally, a little bit physically. A busy and agitated mind some of yesterday, outside of times of concentration on creative work, and working late, till after midnight, must have contributed to that.

I lost the volume to the guidance for the meditation almost as soon as it had started, so I meditated without guidance and found myself drifting a little in thoughts, but not distinctly except for a time where I was feeling that seeking unhappiness, through focussing on difficulties whilst pushing aside pleasures as being unequal in worth for consideration, is a waste of life.

The pressure of 'achieving' a certain status or goal that may or may not come and striving to the point that excludes allowing happiness in simple living is a modern western paradigm, and one that causes ill health both mentally and physically.

Of course, some, or much, of this pressure comes from competing for money, which has been given central importance as the currency of reward. We have to fit this into our lives if we wish to be part of the society that revolves around it, to exist in it.

Over the past thousand years, money has pushed out religion as the spine of our society, before religion it may be that the spine consisted of only water, food, warmth: the basic requirements of existence. Alongside money, religion and subsistence is power, to be in possession of as much of what allows life to be lived provides the holder with safety, or it is presumed to.

Maintaining life is built into our evolution and expressed as society. If you stand outside of competition, you are dependent on your existing resources or the kindness of others.

We are not a particularly kind creature, mostly having a limited circle of love, stretching to one or a few other beings if at all, but then there are those of us that believe we can be kind and can share in existence rather than compete for it. Those are my kind, yet within me is the other kind too.

We all are somewhere on that spread between monopolizing power to secure existence and sharing power to secure existence, where are you?

'Meditation Posture' Meditation Reflection - April 2 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation having started some work which concerned financial issues that provoke anxieties, physically I felt write relaxed, with some minor pain that distracted occasionally, but not through the whole meditation, in which largely I was able to let the body go.

There was definitely a sense of relaxation, of some peace and acceptance, also the thought to let the meditation be a thing of and to itself in which I practiced the guidance, and not to expand the idea of the practice to live every moment of my life by applying the guidance for meditation. I thought in that moment, that this would free me from wanting more from the meditation than whatever it gives during the immediate practice of it, whilst letting go the underlying taught truth: that meditation does affect the whole life lived whilst practicing it.

This felt like it might allow more focus during the meditation.

I drift through gentle thoughts and imagination, all peripheral bar that one idea, and came to the end of the meditation feeling more relaxed and more alert, once I had come out of it.

'Meditation Posture' Meditation Reflection - April 1 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation after lots of distraction this morning through work and birthday things, was conscious of some physical tensions, muscular or skeletal, I believe, that have persisted for a couple of weeks.

During the meditation I was distracted by one of these tensions particularly, unable to fully let it go, similarly I did not find the mindfulness to let thoughts go as I was able to yesterday.

Mostly the thoughts focussed around contacting someone for creative work purposes, which could be sourced back to wanting, to looking for fulfillment of a long held belief that I ought to be connecting to a large public and having the public enjoy my writing and being moved by it to explore their own feelings to a positive end.

It can often feel like a ludicrous conceit, then at other times it seems quite reasonable considering the affect my work has had when in that arena. It is wanting, yes, it is sometimes striving, and yet is in now less of each and still a fundamental part of me.

'Meditation posture' Meditation Reflection - Mar 31 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, even after doing some early morning work which has importance and would at earlier times in my life before meditation stay on my mind and be distracting. Physically I had very minor aches that I was able to let go of mostly.

This meditation, focusing on allowing the body to be comfortable and letting go of the body in its comfortable position to then see the mind as a lotus petal, to which nothing sticks, allowed plenty of peace today, there were very few distracting thoughts.

The consideration of a mind to which nothing sticks during meditation was helpful, after having gone through some imaginations of what would stick to a lotus petal and letting them go. I found that if I was drifting in thoughts, those thoughts were so indistinct as to be almost unnoticeable and left behind quickly. There was some interruption to the quiet during my meditation which again was let go of quickly.

This meditation has limited and select guidance once begun, very spare and lots of room to leave the meditator to their own devices, and I found it to be one in which I felt peaceful and came out of more relaxed than when I started, not feeling quite as alert though as with the metta meditation of the previous days. I tended toward a dream like state rather than a mindful state I believe, so will see how it progresses this week.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Mar 24 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Mostly sitting and thinking today, relaxed, some mindfulness.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Mar 23 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

On coming to the meditation in a fairly calm, neutral manner, physically comfortable, the meditation progressed as far as relaxing the body and beginning to relax the mind in the present moment. Thoughts swam around, in my low-grade mindfulness they seem unbidden though I appreciate a stronger mindfulness reveals more.

Calm thoughts that come, moving the imagination and producing some creative language and exploration in thought are not the initially expected results of meditation, yet at my level are the most common shallow result. There is a deeper result which is most beneficial, which is a slow, not deep, but felt, inuring from common daily stresses. I have a little more peace, and more resilience in the sense of a quicker recovery to equilibrium from a stress event or series of thoughts, and even less tendency to fall into patterns of repetitive negative thought.

I go no deeper into the lotus, but I have a fuller appreciation of the outer petals. I sense that the deeper into the lotus we go, taken by kindness and mindfulness, the more secure we become as human beings.

"The only sane response to existence is apathy," was a thought that popped into my mind when I had drifted to remembering the new television version of Cosmos, when it attempted to show the scale of the universe, both external to our physical scale regarding the planet, solar system, universe and ever greater and the internal scale of cells, molecules, atoms and... I always wondered what all the space between the smallest level of particles is (not in the sense of it a scientific name - whatever the language used calls it at any moment). It is there that consciousness and what some human beings call God exists, I expect.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Mar 20 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm,

Came to the meditation reasonably relaxed, had not involved myself in many distractions prior to starting. I was able to let go of the body reasonably well and looked to relax my mental world.

I was soon lost in a variety of fairly negative thoughts that, though they didn’t descend into anxiety, were circular and largely unfounded in their stresses - thoughts of the future based on stresses of the past, worries over finances for our family that our life has not borne out and will hopefully settle and be able to be let go of in time.

The fit in this society which requires money to buy goods, for most of us, is an uncomfortable one for me, probably because of the cycle of dependency it requires, even a cycle of repression of creativity and joy, should you be earning money through ways you do not wish to continue. I have no desire to try and live without money, to be dependent on the kindness of donations as the monks who guide these meditations are. I have an admiration and respect for that life, but not a strong feeling that it is my path, one somehow missed and lost this time round. If anything I feel I may have trodden that path before in other lives (though I cannot even say I believe fully in reincarnation) perhaps with some fulfillment, perhaps with some fear.

Am I making the best of this life, am I understanding Karma, will I find contentment and see contentment in the hearts of those I love? Meditation has been beneficial most days, today I have reverted to a stressful mind, not being kind to myself or mindful of the perils I can avoid. Maybe later I will let go of the stresses, meditation seems to have helped them fall away quicker than in my life before it.