Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm,
Came to the meditation reasonably relaxed, had not involved myself in many distractions prior to starting. I was able to let go of the body reasonably well and looked to relax my mental world.
I was soon lost in a variety of fairly negative thoughts that, though they didn’t descend into anxiety, were circular and largely unfounded in their stresses - thoughts of the future based on stresses of the past, worries over finances for our family that our life has not borne out and will hopefully settle and be able to be let go of in time.
The fit in this society which requires money to buy goods, for most of us, is an uncomfortable one for me, probably because of the cycle of dependency it requires, even a cycle of repression of creativity and joy, should you be earning money through ways you do not wish to continue. I have no desire to try and live without money, to be dependent on the kindness of donations as the monks who guide these meditations are. I have an admiration and respect for that life, but not a strong feeling that it is my path, one somehow missed and lost this time round. If anything I feel I may have trodden that path before in other lives (though I cannot even say I believe fully in reincarnation) perhaps with some fulfillment, perhaps with some fear.
Am I making the best of this life, am I understanding Karma, will I find contentment and see contentment in the hearts of those I love? Meditation has been beneficial most days, today I have reverted to a stressful mind, not being kind to myself or mindful of the perils I can avoid. Maybe later I will let go of the stresses, meditation seems to have helped them fall away quicker than in my life before it.
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