Link to meditation, guided by Bhante Sujato
Came to the meditation simply, with few obstructions beyond my usual low grade anxious thoughts and slight physical pains. I was able to relax the body and begin the mantra with few thoughts taking me away from it significantly, there were thoughts and imaginations at the beginning that distracted but they receded, they came largely from dreams and a film I was watching last night can which a man remembers several different lives all lived at the same time.
I let the mantra be my focus and though I had no experience of a warm loving kindness the meditation, through the different stages of the mantra, felt deeper than meditations without a mantra.towards the end the mantra fell away and I sat in meditation just to be, to let it take me where it would for a little while, I thought of the lotus and that perhaps I had exposed a second layer of petals more fully than when taking the guidance of the lotus meditation itself.
I had some silence, some 'lights' though not nimmita I believe, maybe a hint that they were there. I then came out of the meditation by noticing my physicality, that I felt like moving, and that mentally I believed I was gaining some resilience, some way to accept and let go of my long carried anxieties that much more quickly.
Somewhere before or during my meditation was also the thought that my worries about money and finances were in fact worries about fear, fear of anxiety returning. I don't do things I wish to do partly because I live with a lover who convinces me not to pursue things that are not obviously financially beneficial, since I and we have limited means. This drives my life toward less fulfillment. I would like to pursue creativity for the belief it has fulfillment inherent in it. It is a poor excuse to not pursue happiness for the sake of love, and a false one.
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