Metta Meditation Reflection - Mar 30 14

Link to meditation, guided by Bhante Sujato

Came to the meditation simply, with few obstructions beyond my usual low grade anxious thoughts and slight physical pains. I was able to relax the body and begin the mantra with few thoughts taking me away from it significantly, there were thoughts and imaginations at the beginning that distracted but they receded, they came largely from dreams and a film I was watching last night can which a man remembers several different lives all lived at the same time.

I let the mantra be my focus and though I had no experience of a warm loving kindness the meditation, through the different stages of the mantra, felt deeper than meditations without a mantra.towards the end the mantra fell away and I sat in meditation just to be, to let it take me where it would for a little while, I thought of the lotus and that perhaps I had exposed a second layer of petals more fully than when taking the guidance of the lotus meditation itself.

I had some silence, some 'lights' though not nimmita I believe, maybe a hint that they were there. I then came out of the meditation by noticing my physicality, that I felt like moving, and that mentally I believed I was gaining some resilience, some way to accept and let go of my long carried anxieties that much more quickly.

Somewhere before or during my meditation was also the thought that my worries about money and finances were in fact worries about fear, fear of anxiety returning. I don't do things I wish to do partly because I live with a lover who convinces me not to pursue things that are not obviously financially beneficial, since I and we have limited means. This drives my life toward less fulfillment. I would like to pursue creativity for the belief it has fulfillment inherent in it. It is a poor excuse to not pursue happiness for the sake of love, and a false one.

Metta Meditation Reflection - Mar 29 14

Link to meditation, guided by Bhante Sujato

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, a bit less physical pain each day  over the last few days, so not a distraction beyond wheat stretching out, as I do before I settle into the meditation posture.

The meditation went well, I believe, though not clearly in the direction of metta. I repeated the mantra and was able to let go the body, such that it was not a distraction, hardly fidgeting at all.

Again I did not connect directly to a loving kindness within self, yet felt that it was a barrier I was presenting to the world, which did not let loving kindness in. With that feeling circulating, I thought of those that loved me or showed me love and how I deflected it, or did not soak up the warmth of it, so I revisited the love and in my meditation looked to let it warm me. This did not flood me with love or warmth but gave some sense that I could be more open to love, not skipping over that part of existence as if I understood it and did not value it.

How can I give love fully if I do not experience it fully?

When the mantra moved to wishing happiness for all beings, I felt a shift which is hard to describe, one that was almost a sense of conscious detachment beginning from my physical body, I imagined it may be the start of the experience transcendental meditators call astral meditation. But it did not develop once I had tuned my attention to it. I stopped the audio for the metta meditation and sat with no guidance, wanting to follow wherever my meditation was taking me without it being ended by Bhante Sujato's guidance.

I did not 'go' anywhere, I sat and felt that a defining unity of human existence is uncertainty, we do not know, we rarely accept; we mostly search, fear that this life is all, question our place or run from the questions.

Yet this is one umwelt, our experience of existence is but one and perhaps we are experiencing it as part of a stage of being. When it is is accepted and truly lived and felt, then we move on. Perhaps: if there is a human ideology that applied to existence, which is a very egotistical notion. But maybe we connect with the larger existence in these ways that humans feel common ties, we experience life as a journey, a motion through what we call time. A journey supposes a beginning and and end which we have, so we project that on what we don't know, as if what we don't know has a human correlation, or we dismiss it and project a larger stasis, as if existence is always, again only frameable in human terms. Well, what else can we do? Since we acknowledge we are limited we believe we may transcend our experience when our life's journey ends.

There was another personal consideration that cropped up in metta, that has cropped up several times since beginning meditation. That I have this internal good, felt with certainty at the most empty time in my life, an almost defining characteristic beneath all others, and that my life should be used to do good for others, others beyond my immediately loved. It may be that in attempting this I do not do good, that somehow I cause confusion and suffer cyclical rejection and frustration, but that argument only keeps my stuck. Most things I feel, or anyone feels, about doing good can be shot down, but only letting myself live that part of life will tell its story. I hope I do move from considering it, from my internal argument and fears, to doing it.

Metta meditation Reflection - Mar 28 14

Link to meditation, guided by Bhante Sujato.

Came to the meditation calm and open, quite relaxed, some physical discomfort but nothing that interrupted the meditation. I was able to let go of the body and begin the mantra without being distracted by other thoughts, though again, as with other days, they did come, at a low and peripheral level, occasionally becoming my focus; thoughts of projects I wish to undertake, how I might do them and maintain financial stability; whether I should postpone them – thoughts based on wanting.

The guidance asks us to notice the feeling of loving kindness in our body that metta meditation fosters, and this I cannot yet feel. To bring up some warmth and loving kindness when wishing happiness of myself I bring to mind an image of my pet cat curled up in the sunlight, which also brings up my physical and mental connection to laying relaxed and happy in the sunlight, and I look to keep that feeling in mind whilst using the mantra "May I be happy." sometimes I feel it is also a question "May I be happy?" that is directed at the universe. In the next stage of metta - may my loved one be happy - I also imagine her lying happily on a beach in the sun to maintain that body memory of warmth during the meditation.

Come the end of the meditation I feel that it has gone quickly, that I feel more focussed mentally than at the beginning, that I feel more centered and peaceful, but I do not feel loving kindness, yet.

Metta Meditation Reflection - Mar 26 14

Link to meditation, guided by Bhante Sujato.

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, small obstructions in the recesses of my mind as I have carried for so long: fears and worries, greed and disillusion.

The metta conflicting with letting go stays with me as before. I was able to relax the body and did not fidget or feel uncomfortable. My mind followed the mantras for a time then drifted to unconnected thoughts, those that are common to me, but at low levels of emotional response, i.e. the thoughts come but there is no escalation of feeling if they are troubling, I feel more able to let them just be thoughts and not to be inhabited unrealities, than during my life without meditation.

When asked to connect to and send loving kindness from within to without, I find no loving kindness within, no warmth or joy that doesn't feel manufactured just to perform a facsimile of what is possible.

I do know the love and kindness are there, yet I have not found a connection through metta, mostly I find my connection is with sharing time with those who I carry love for; a direct physical connection.

I don't include myself in that but do have a very strong connection to feeling I have good within me. I don't quite equate good with love, since my goodness is corrupted by wanting, whilst I want to overcome certain societal pressures to do with finances and recognition. The center of me is simply good, the layers and layers of barriers to that, partly osmotic, are protections imposed to 'fit' the world I was brought up in.

Metta Meditation Reflection - Mar 25 14

Link to meditation, guided by Bhante Sujato

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, physically some pain but not a strong hinderance, during the meditation the pain lessened as I relaxed into my posture and adjusted it through the course of the meditation.

There is a conflict set up in me by metta that puzzles and prevents connecting with loving kindness as I start each metta meditation. Elsewhere in meditation practice we are guided to let go of all wanting and in metta we are guided to wish happiness for all things. This obvious wanting, for love, to give love is unresolved unless I find guidance to connect metta meditation to all othe practice.

My choice during metta meditation therefore is to let the contradiction go and let the meditation take me where it does. Today I find I felt relaxed and more focussed and "solid" by the end of it than at the start, I have no connection to the warmth of loving kindness inside of me that the guidance asks us to notice, but I feel some peace and that is what I feel I send out to all things during the stage of metta where we wish happiness for all beings.