Link to meditation, guided by Bhante Sujato.
Came to the meditation quite relaxed, small obstructions in the recesses of my mind as I have carried for so long: fears and worries, greed and disillusion.
The metta conflicting with letting go stays with me as before. I was able to relax the body and did not fidget or feel uncomfortable. My mind followed the mantras for a time then drifted to unconnected thoughts, those that are common to me, but at low levels of emotional response, i.e. the thoughts come but there is no escalation of feeling if they are troubling, I feel more able to let them just be thoughts and not to be inhabited unrealities, than during my life without meditation.
When asked to connect to and send loving kindness from within to without, I find no loving kindness within, no warmth or joy that doesn't feel manufactured just to perform a facsimile of what is possible.
I do know the love and kindness are there, yet I have not found a connection through metta, mostly I find my connection is with sharing time with those who I carry love for; a direct physical connection.
I don't include myself in that but do have a very strong connection to feeling I have good within me. I don't quite equate good with love, since my goodness is corrupted by wanting, whilst I want to overcome certain societal pressures to do with finances and recognition. The center of me is simply good, the layers and layers of barriers to that, partly osmotic, are protections imposed to 'fit' the world I was brought up in.
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