Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm
Came to the meditation quite stressed and anxious, mostly mentally, but physically in pretty good shape. A few days of emotional turmoil has led to this and been added to by a lack of sleep and agitation in the home. During the mediation I was able to let go of the body reasonably fully and then found myself drifting through various thoughts to do with the events of the last few days and my emotional response to them, whilst also looking to let go of the negative feelings that have arisen and to not go over the upsetting words thrown in my direction beyond acknowledging them to be frustrations shared between me and loved ones. Thoughts went to the nature of the life I wish to lead, which doesn't tally with western society's relentless push to achieve more and acquire more.
I often felt these two credo's have been the root of so much anxiety and anger that I have pretty much divested myself of them as future goals, though I look to pursue achievement within the means I have to both improve my ability in whatever I am doing and to have items of utility for myself and my family which we value the quality of. This latter materialism is a hinderance I am aware of being insatiable, always able to consume as much as is given to it.
The desire for personal achievement is a puzzle I still am considering, that may always escape me. I have little idea why I want to 'achieve', beyond it being engrained in me as the purpose of my life, but I do still have an internal dissatisfaction that calls for "more," that is hard to let go of - many would say to embrace it, but that way unhappiness lies, I fear.
I know that I do "want," mainly good things (joy, contentment, peace) for myself and those I love and for humanity and life as a whole. That's a lot of wanting - wanting that can't be fulfilled by me, if ever wanting can be fulfilled? I am drawn to recall Ajahn Brahm saying that our will is our enemy. Why are we constructed like that though, to what end are we corrupted?
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