'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Mar 11 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditate quite relaxed physically, and mentally ok, though some concerns that persist over long term financial stability that have come up in recent days were in my mind. During the meditation I was able to let go of the body quite well, I did not think of it hardly at all, just adjusted my position minimally a couple of times. My mental world was busy but indistinct, thoughts flowing from one unconsidered subject to another, mindfulness aware of it but only occasionally able to let the thoughts finish and have some silence. I did not have the mindfulness to consider relaxing the muscles around my eyes today, which on other days has helped me still my thoughts, as if the two are linked somehow. 

When asked how far into the lotus I went, I thought, "nowhere" and when asked what it's like in there I thought, "I have no idea." a third question by Ajahn Brahm, "How do you feel right now?" found me feeling relaxed physically but mentally a bit busy, though for me a simple answer is "not bad," – a very British answer – I felt ok, quite alert, not overtly anxious, which I have been for a few mornings, and fairly open to my future being none of my concern beyond doing what I can now.

My past, which has been scrutinized negatively in recent days, well, that is a fairly open book, which I don't read often. I have not had the fulfillment in financial or critical acheivement that my upbringing demanded of me, nor have I had the confidence to impose myself into situations that others do - where I may feel I have ability and knowledge beyond those that garner praise, I have not had the focus, calm or adaptability - and particularly not having the ability to not care about what I was doing - that may have kept me in work I was regarded as being good at. Similarly I have not had the ability to care about recognition and reward enough to pursue it, nor have I had the mental toughness to maintain sense when under (particularly emotional) stress.

This life will bring what it may, I look to achieve what I can within the boundaries of my limitations and surroundings, usually working at the edges of those boundaries, so they may expand. I wish to bring good things to many people though I don't seem to cross the line between wishing it and being able to  do it. There are ideas I have now which may change that, but the biggest change will have to have come in me first, by having the ability to persist instead of to resist, and if I can flow like water around stresses and frustrations, then I also hope I can collect in a needed place and bring life to the soil I seep into, instead of stagnating over impermeable rock.