'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Mar 07 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation fairly calm, physically and mentally. There was some aggravation this morning that was in my mind but it did not persist into the meditation. Some physical discomfort in my side did stay and was not able to be let go of or relaxed much, though I did not have it take my focus away greatly.

During the meditation there were a couple of periods of mental silence, of some peace, though my experience of or is rather like 'disappearing', so I sense the world around, the sounds mostly, though not labeling them or having them take me out of the peaceful state, as if the world goes on and I am not physically here, but am an invisible, insubstantiate observer. (yes, I know that is an invented word)

Outside of the moments of silence, I remembered a mention of guidance to smile, this led me to think I was not experiencing joy in meditation naturally, but would be imposing it if I actively chose to smile whilst meditating. Too much thinking there. Mostly my meditation feels impartial, I bring joy to it if I remember to, yet I mostly forget. I feel the connection to joy when I feel that disappearing begin and I have to smile at the wonderful world I perceive going on around me, so that has been my way into it, though it doesn't stay, joy in meditation is closer when I am sitting outside and warm in the sun or just feeling warmth in the air, rather than sitting in a room, and it seems to be about going outside of myself rather than going into myself. Perhaps they are the same thing.

At the end of the meditation, being asked by Ajahn Brahm, I felt maybe I had gone a petal or two into the lotus and it felt calmer and quieter there. I am pleased again to feel some mental sharpness after meditation, this is becoming more common, the tiredness of the other week is not present and my thoughts are less repetitive. I look to what I can do now to prepare for my future, more than just worrying about my future and getting stressed about what to do to avoid problems, i.e. my attention is more on 'now', more in the moment.

And still, I am easily riled, frustrated and unfulfilled. These emotions are close beneath the calmer surface, the peace of meditation like an oil slick on an ocean of effort; a hypocrisy. I'm hopeful that the experience of life enriched with meditation would help reverse that metaphor, one day.