'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 28 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, I had look at emails etc. before starting the meditation and there were no things that took my attention away with any intensity. I often wonder about doing that – I want to just get into the day with waking and maybe a shower, a hot drink and then the meditation, but I almost always exhibit the 'monkey mind' and delve into work issues by opening emails or take my mind to personal or political matter by looking at Facebook or Newspapers. I feel these things distract me from a potentially peaceful start to the day and progress with meditation by causing the meditation to take longer to get into after such current, western, middle-class preoccupations.

At the the start of today's meditation I felt that a hinderance was the fact that I was using the meditation simply as a means to continue with my usual practice of living, but with added relaxation, like giving myself a pat on the back for doing meditation without really approaching any of the benefits of it beyond the most shallow. So once that popped into my mind I put some distance between the thoughts and encouraged myself to let my mind rest. In effect I suppose I brought some kindness to the mindfulness, seeing that my mind never usually really got to rest, to be quiet, and I let myself believe I could do that. The result was some more appreciable silence than other recent meditations and though thoughts did come occasionally again I thought to distance myself from them by letting there be some quiet, not needing the thoughts to come, letting them stop. "Not now," I was saying to myself, "let the meditation really be a time of rest."

So I did sense some more depth to the meditation, unfurling the outer petals without consciously attempting to relax my body much, but letting it happen, being aware of it distantly. I pictured the petals opening, and when my body prompted me to move, the petals closed from the outside, no matter the fact that other peace was going on – the body called strongly.

In this way the meditation progressed, then at the end I felt the breath deeply just as we were being ask to come out of the meditation, so I stayed with it a little longer to see if I could feel the awareness of the breath stay prominent, but it did not stay and a few minutes later came out of the meditation myself. I feel relaxed and that I may have some insight that, if i can apply it, might give me some more depth to my meditations in the future.

Re the medical procedure and trying to enter a meditation under sedation, well, no, that was a non-starter. Propofol allowed nothing but a jump from one moment to another :-).

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 27 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, a little lightheaded as I have been on a liquid only diet for about 36 hrs ahead of a medical procedure later today. I remembered Ajahn Brahm saying that meditation often went better on an empty stomach, but in my case today it was a peaceful but still a fairly shallow meditation. I was able to still the mind and have some times of silence, also there was some time where I had felt my perception expanded to encompass more of the space surrounding me than just the room I sat in - as if I encompassed the outside neighborhood a little, only in the sense that the sounds I heard felt as if they were going on inside of rather than outside of me.

My thoughts were minimal, nothing that grabbed me for long before I let it go, I had the thought to use the sedation I'll be under later to take me into a deep meditation but I doubt very much my mindfulness is strong enough to let me stay aware to even keep that in mind once the plunger is pushed. Will write later if I do experience anything like the deeper meditation stages Ajahn Brahm describes.

So, I feel relaxed. Once again when asked how many layers into the lotus we went I immediately thought, "None," that the lotus was closed but inside it was aware of possibilities for deep peace, like something inside me was keeping a secret, but a secret that warms me,  saying "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, I'll let you in when you're ready, don't worry."

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 26 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, some thoughts on a medical procedure tomorrow but minimally distracting, physically pretty good with only a minor discomfort. During the meditation I was able to let go of the body a little, not completely, finding I was shifting posture every now and again to be comfortable and relieve aches or irritation from the posture I was in, so this made it difficult to go any deeper, yet there were peaceful moments when I felt my mind still and these were/are almost always linked with relaxing the muscles around the eyes and in my brow. When that happens I feel much 

'lighter' physically and more relaxed overall.

Often then I notice colors and lights behind the eyes, but I believe these are almost certainly just the senses of light through the closed eyelids and not nimmita's. Perhaps they preview nimmita a little in the sense that my mind is relaxing? Anyhow, as the meditation progress I went no deeper than this and as the time came to reflect on how far into the lotus I had gone, the image that popped into my mind was of a closed lotus with only the very smallest opening at its top as if the sun was able to warm the inside a little and provide a glimpse of wonderful peace to come, to wake up my inside and say "this is here," yet the petals are closed, I have not yet even let go of the body.

I don't find this at all distracting, if anything it amuses me to visualize that as my progress – that I could feel good and yet have gone almost nowhere, barely scratching the surface of peace, not opening my heart to kindness, but at least being aware that I have a journey to take, when I learn to let go and be kind at each step by simply doing it and not considering before or on the way.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 25 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation after a busy time at work, with my head full of business things to do, physically there was some discomfort in my side. During the meditation I was able to occasionally refocus and remember the simile of the lotus, i.e. when I drifted I came back to the meditation object by briefly imagining the image of a lotus and seeing whether any layers of the lotus had opened. I was able to let go of my body somewhat, my back ached a little, though that did not make me adjust my posture much, and I was more comfortable in my posture than recent days, the discomfort in my side disappeared. 

Right near the end of the meditation when Ajahn Brahm was asking us how we felt, I had a sense of following the in breath and out breath more fully, they were deeper than I had noticed previously, more connected to my stillness, as if their motion was an equilibrium either side of the moment of my center. There were times when I felt I was experiencing 'now' and not being in thoughts of past or future, so this meditation allowed me to be more peaceful than the others this week. I did not feel I went far into the lotus at all, it was more as if some petals had opened in one part of the flower and stayed closed in another - a patchy blossoming. I had felt early on in the meditation that though the outer petals were shut, there was activity underneath, as if there was a readiness for the outer petals to begin opening, though they would not. The images of the lotus were very infrequently in my mind, but at least I had it in mind, and was able to be guided by instruction instead of forgetting the instruction almost the instant I had begun to relax the body as my practice often finds, in this I was an improved student.

There is tension in fear. However it has come about that life provides you anxiety instead of peace the solution is still peace. Internal peace. A way to internal peace is stillness. A way to stillness is to let go of the past and the future, a practice to assist this is meditation.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 24 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to it after attending to some business that stayed unresolved and left a small burden of stress. Physically I felt pretty good. Was sleepy during the meditation, whilst I was able to let go of my body for some moments I again felt the pins and needles which had me change my meditation posture, eventually changing it a couple of times today, so the body was not deeply relaxed. I had thoughts floating around, they weren't a great distraction and none were repetitive or insistent, but they did not leave me room for silence, instead I found myself feeling a bit tired and drifting into sleepiness as I had the other day. It has been part of the guidance that this can happen often until the mindfulness is stronger, though it has not happened to me for many months. I could think that I simply haven't had enough sleep but I don't think that is it, it feels more like my energy to focus is lacking due to the number of thoughts I have running around. In attending to things outside of the meditation hopefully I will have less thoughts to still when I come to the meditation tomorrow, or I will be able to let go of them more completely once again.

'Peace' Meditation Reflection - Feb 23 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation with no prominent mental or physical distraction, though a little anxious on waking this morning, which had mostly dissipated by the start of the meditation. I was able to let go of the body sometimes, though became aware of some discomfort in my posture after about half an hour and changed posture. Mentally I stayed quite relaxed, though I had drifting thoughts, none overpowering, and from time to time I was able to identify them and gently say, "Not now," to myself, allowing them to stop, leaving moments of silence which were more peaceful and felt like a deeper state of mediation, only for me to realize sometime soon after that I had been thinking again and was not in anything but a shallow relaxed state.
I don't seem to be able to focus my attention on the meditation object, having a wandering mind that slips through the fingers of direction to go its own way. I appreciate from other guidance that to let this occur without being harsh with it - and thus focus on a negative thing to make it important - could allow it to stop in and of itself i.e. to stop kicking the ball, though as yet, the ball still rolls, still trundles down endless corridors of thought bouncing from one wall to another as it goes. The ball will come to a stop at sometime, it seems nearer than before, it is rolling slower.

'Center Of Attention' Meditation Reflection - Feb 22 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation with little distraction either physically or mentally, was able to progress in the meditation and find some stillness, my choice was to put  'now' in the center of attention, but by opening up my hearing to all that was happening, to turn my attention outward and keep my thoughts quiet. I was not able to still them throughout the meditation and drifted into thoughts of the future and imaginings of creative ideas I could undertake, thoughts of following whatever connections come, like water flowing downhill to the sea rather than pursuing my own agenda by flooding every channel, effectively applying equal pressure everywhere pressure and seeing which outlet gives. Perhaps this is just another way for wanting to fight for attention?

Certainly it is an egotistical conceit that assumes what I want to pursue is, or will be, of value to others, yet I still behave that way in regard to my creative ideas, always looking to foist them on others in preference to sharing goals – "Hey, you, share my goal, it'll be great, you'll see. Can't you feel it?" I should be able to tap into my mindfulness and see the flaw in that, surely? To share in a goal means it ought best connect personally for those that take it on, or the goal would be less ably fulfilled. There is an ideal by which all involved in a project give it their best, but it is easier accomplished by finding the connection to each persons expressive desire and being able to fulfill it.

'Center Of Attention' Meditation Reflection - Feb 21 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation with the remnants of deep anxiety from the previous night and earlier morning, otherwise, physically calm. During the meditation I found myself occasionally drifting as if I were "nodding off," then noticing suddenly and repositioning myself. Though mentally I did not feel tired, this seems to be the closest simile. Generally, tiredness has not been a feature of my meditation for some months, after hearing that it was very common to feel tired early on in the practice of meditation I stopped bothering about it, (tiredness being a habitual reaction to stillness before mindfulness ramps up). To try and prevent this distraction today I changed my meditation posture but from then on was mostly just uncomfortable and over conscious of my physicality, unable to let the body go. I came out of the mediation a couple of times before the end of it, having felt unsettled since that change of posture. So I have not been able to experience even the most shallow meditation for long today, ah well, that's life.

Regarding my anxiety from the night before, this was a severe test of my emotional stability, that I had ascribed to being improved over the last several month due to meditation practice. Well, my stability ran for the hills as fast as it could for the one night and morning anyway, becoming very agitated and not connecting or staying in to the present moment nor being able to fend off my catastrophic worries over the future. To explain, I was getting extremely worries about financial matters, thinking I would not be able to support myself and my wife and not knowing how to lessen our expenditure without having to leave our home. In fact, I discovered an error in reading my accounts and the anxiety settled. It may be that my anxiety would have settled quicker anyway because of meditation practice, but in truth, I hope I am not faced with such a test again.

I appreciate that the worst that could happen would still provide a life where I would be able to say "this is good enough," and still, I certainly know I have not overcome my fears of the future yet. However unrealistic a catastrophic outlook is, it is an anxiety buried somewhere quite deep inside of me, a place not yet released from suffering, and when I am provoked it comes readily to the surface like a gushing well of oil, coating everything with its negative sheen until peace breaks down its sticky adherence.

'Center Of Attention' Meditation Reflection - Feb 20 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to it with minimal physical and metal distraction, there was a physical discomfort that kept me from letting go of the body for some time but in time it released. In looking to center my attention on 'now' it allowed all sounds that were going on around me to become prominent in the sense of conspiring them to be part of the now. They included ones I might have stopped my meditation for and become involved in, but I stayed in the meditation and looked to let them go, to move instead to some internal peace that let me be the impartial observer, whilst not knowing whether that was an appropriate response to sounds of agitation I was hearing, should have left my meditation? I did find a few moments of peace, and after the meditation it became clear that staying in the meditation had no negative consequence and I did not need to attend to what I was hearing. "Don't just do something, sit there!"