Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.
Came to the meditation with the remnants of deep anxiety from the previous night and earlier morning, otherwise, physically calm. During the meditation I found myself occasionally drifting as if I were "nodding off," then noticing suddenly and repositioning myself. Though mentally I did not feel tired, this seems to be the closest simile. Generally, tiredness has not been a feature of my meditation for some months, after hearing that it was very common to feel tired early on in the practice of meditation I stopped bothering about it, (tiredness being a habitual reaction to stillness before mindfulness ramps up). To try and prevent this distraction today I changed my meditation posture but from then on was mostly just uncomfortable and over conscious of my physicality, unable to let the body go. I came out of the mediation a couple of times before the end of it, having felt unsettled since that change of posture. So I have not been able to experience even the most shallow meditation for long today, ah well, that's life.
Regarding my anxiety from the night before, this was a severe test of my emotional stability, that I had ascribed to being improved over the last several month due to meditation practice. Well, my stability ran for the hills as fast as it could for the one night and morning anyway, becoming very agitated and not connecting or staying in to the present moment nor being able to fend off my catastrophic worries over the future. To explain, I was getting extremely worries about financial matters, thinking I would not be able to support myself and my wife and not knowing how to lessen our expenditure without having to leave our home. In fact, I discovered an error in reading my accounts and the anxiety settled. It may be that my anxiety would have settled quicker anyway because of meditation practice, but in truth, I hope I am not faced with such a test again.
I appreciate that the worst that could happen would still provide a life where I would be able to say "this is good enough," and still, I certainly know I have not overcome my fears of the future yet. However unrealistic a catastrophic outlook is, it is an anxiety buried somewhere quite deep inside of me, a place not yet released from suffering, and when I am provoked it comes readily to the surface like a gushing well of oil, coating everything with its negative sheen until peace breaks down its sticky adherence.
No comments:
Post a Comment