Metta Meditation Reflection - Jan 30 14

Link to meditation, guided by Bhante Sujato.

Came with less physical hinderance, and did not think of it during the meditation, I was not connected with loving kindness in a physical sense, though I felt a change when I recollected contentment from parts of my life. When using the mantra may all things be happy, it occurred to me that some beings' happiness is predicated on the suffering of others, so I was conflicted and it spoiled the meditation there a while. Generally I have been conflicted as to do metta meditation seems to be a wanting (happiness for oneself as for all beings), when my 'wanting' gets in the way of happiness, for I cannot want my way to happiness, only accept and realize contentment in all things by letting go. The middle path is a winding one, a balancing act, I have had poor balance most of my life. That is accepted.

Metta Meditation Reflection - Jan 29 14

Link to meditation, guided by Bhante Sujato.

Came with a small distraction from the pain in my side, which did not deflect my meditation much. I let the metta be something that was outside of myself which is shared, like Zev Kolman's blue diamond energy, and looked to absorb it, to send it to a loved one and to share it with all beings. I did not feel change inside, but I did connect with past experiences of feeling good as I have at other times by following Ajahn Brahm's instruction, this feeling stayed whilst I had those memories in mind. More practice required. It is a good pause though, with less distracting thoughts than in the breath meditation, though that may simply be due to the mantra's.

Metta Meditation Reflection - Jan 28 14

Link to meditation, guided by Bhante Sujato.
Came with pain/tension in my side, it was not so prominent that it obscured the meditation, yet it obstructed a little, as it does with my sense of myself. During the mantra, calling for love toward myself, toward a person, toward all beings was welcome. Though I had no significant feelings to reflect on, I feel more as if I am the one trying to give love, to spread it out from myself around the world or directly to others. The trying, the effort, is not conducive to the practice so I shall look to keep that in mind. Perhaps metta can be an encouragement toward love, a gifting from existence? It is inherent in existence otherwise it would not exist, so to draw on it and enjoy it can be a path in this meditation. There is no concentration, no right and wrong, all thing in existence are accepted, to lean one way or another is temporary. To experience joy is delightful and inspiring, and as we have an opportunity to direct our attention, this is a positive way to be. All ways of being are part of existence and can be celebrated, we are not empty, we are full, and our personal experiences swim through the range of feelings that exist. It seems some take more life experience to uncover than others, whilst other emotions hide when a certain direction has been taken. Perhaps all that is, is a temporary path, where we are surrounded by one feeling more than another, making the other feelings less clearly perceived? Meditation can allow a step back, to reconsider our perspective. The idea that we gravitate to joy is a part of it. A welcome place to be, especially if it has been absent. A place where sharing is kind.

'Peace' Meditation Reflection - Jan 27 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came with a little physical tension that maintained throughout the meditation, unable to let go of the body fully therefore, did drift in and out of thoughts, the most grabbing were to do with healthcare aggravations that will be gradually let go of (mainly those on behalf of a loved one and I come to mind, I am not yet able to let go of some control issue there – borne out of concern and love, I tell myself). I am a bit blocked on the left side again at the moment (not an actuality, more a sensation - which also feels like a tension), I am sure that will go in time. This too shall pass, and hopefully not through the turning of a life.

'Peace' Meditation Reflection - Jan 26 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came with some increased physical aggravation, the pain in my left side, but it didn't intrude much, I felt relaxed, though again not truly letting go of my body, and my thoughts ran around,  not pulling me forcefully, but still taking me away from silence, still, I am more relaxed having done the meditation. Life will be more colorful for it.

'Detachment' Meditation Reflection - Jan 25 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahmali.

Came with no intrusive concerns, again I felt that I am not quite letting go of my body, and it did crop up that I felt some disparity between right and left sides, where my lower left side again felt a bit blocked and in my head there seemed to be a lack of unity, this being a physical sensation - a fullness in my left side. But whether that deflected my meditation much I cannot be sure, I think perhaps it just is not going that deep. The thing that seems to help me always is to turn my attention outward, though this does mean I am initially actively aware, but then it becomes more passive. I do not know whether to maintain this or let go of the outward attention. My guess here is that I will let go of it when I am in a deeper and more relaxed state, and that it will not be a decision, but a path.

'Detachment' Meditation Reflection - Jan 24 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahmali.

Came with less physical concern, was able to be quite comfortable, but I have not yet let go of the body for long. My mind wandered in thought about various current preoccupations, mostly to do with money, health and relationships but they were gentle thoughts that did not pull me into anxieties. I had not really felt present in the now, but there were times in the meditation that I focussed on colors I was seeing - purple mainly - and my thoughts stilled, then.

'Peace' Meditation Reflection - Jan 23 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came with frustrations in my mind and body, and relaxed in the meditation, though my thoughts were there and drifted, the meditation was mostly spent relaxing my body, or being mindful of the position of my body, where I was looking to release the tension in my muscles and have an easy posture. There were no sharp aggravations and my body moved without prompting to find alignment and calm. The path was shallow but helpful today. I will be mindful of the good that I do when I come to doubting my personal peace. I will also be mindful of accepting the way of things and not to control them, only to merge with them like water.

'Peace' Meditation Reflection - Jan 19 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came with low physical discomfort, was able to keep it out of the centre of my meditation, similarly, no thought took up prominence, not wishing to follow any train of touts, so my mind drifted on various things, and there was a little silence, though I was aware of noises in the flat they did keep me in the now as well. An ok meditation.

'Peace' Meditation Reflection - Jan 18 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came with a little tiredness, but improved physical comfort otherwise. I drifted with thought and without thought, mainly with though. Somewhere in me is the answer to why I fear so much about money (about not having enough to live on) and that is working it's way through I feel. It may not be about money but about recognition or achievement, about contribution and ego. I'm not sure. I didn't want to use the meditation to search for anything, I know that wanting is a large part of my mental burden, such as it is. There was a period in the meditation where I felt heat in my body, in my shoulders and some of my skin, mostly, which was not unpleasant. In all, the meditation was relaxing.

'Peace' Meditation Reflection - Jan 14 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to this after a trying day where I woke after frightening dreams, then felt anxieties over possible financial issues after a business email, once again I have not escaped my reaction to this, though I was not dragged down, I was distracted. I felt more able to let it go than previously and able to wait and see what happens without reacting. Adding to this a loved one had a long period of upset, continued over from  previous days and I was drawn into that because I wish I could help, also I was trying to help, to be kind, to maybe control though. I have been attempting to do less of that and just let her tears come without having to interfere as much. I was not quite able to see how I can let that worry or attempt to help go, without letting go of the caring and love. Or, I feel that it is possible, but not yet in my reach. I did not yet get to my writing with any depth today, which I was hoping to be able to relax into. After meditation I feel more relaxed and less mentally clouded so I will go back to my writing and let myself create there. Also, regarding the anxieties over finances, I had a feeling that maybe these are somehow linked to a fear of being judged as a failure, a disappointment, that it was not so much to do with a fear of not having money, which has been a sticking point in my mindfulness for a long time, when wondering why I have always been anxious over money issues.

'Peace' Meditation Reflection - Jan 11 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came with far less physical agitation or pain, was able to put aside the long time troubling pain in my side and let it go, it is not there now. My left knee gets stiff and aches, but I don't mind that. My thoughts in the meditation were distant and undemanding, there was a time when my legs were a little uncomfortable so I moved, to ease them, to stop the pins and needles, which left. I did not get beyond thought for much of the time, but did not think much either. A good meditation, with minimal intrusion from desire or wanting. I hadn't thought about that defilement until just now, my drifting thoughts were more pedantic, I don't even recall them with clarity, so I have been able to reset my mind and my body during this meditation.

'Peace' Meditation Reflection - Jan 09 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm
Came with some discomfort but more mental peace, reduced worries over physical symptom of pain. Was able to become quite peaceful in the meditation, moving towards letting go and towards nothingness, that loss of self as well as realisation of self in all, and other such lay ideas, where the language I explain my reflections with doesn't reflect the simplicity or complexity but only sounds trite and 'soft focus'.

A meditation where I am aiming toward emptiness and relaxation can become self involved and analytical, which moves away from the purpose and reinforces wanting. These happen sometimes but my mindfulness at least picks up on it.

Thoughts that come during the meditation should be discarded rather than analysed, meditation is not the place for wisdom but the place to rest.

This time reflecting had me come out the meditation and want to put energy toward my work, rather than keep it inside, where it is not released, yes, I still feel a blockage of energy on my left side but I am able to expand it when meditating or when forgetting it and putting my effort into another purpose other than body awareness or anxiety over tensions and possible illness. These places do not allow for recovery they only keep me in stasis or take me further into tension and anxiety, to fear.

I had connected with the good inside of me when I was once bereft of all hope, this was my very core I believed at the time, though it was not built upon previously, nor has it been since, hardly. I still feel it, I sometimes call on it to fill me up in recent days, to help push out the fear, but I also sense I should have a balance of fear and goodness, that they can both contribute without being at war. I simply feel my fear needs no more feeding where my positivity and goodness does, I sometimes think my fear has no outlet beyond my body and mind, but I can also sense it goes into my work in a positive way, which allows a connection with many people's experience, which is my empathy, hopefully communicated. Similarly my goodness should have that outlet, whereas I currently use it selfishly to try and make myself admired and healthy. I may be admired one day, but it won't be through pursuit of glory or riches, I should put my efforts into simple goals, like letting a story out and making it as good as I can so it may communicate and entertain, so it may provoke reflection or stir emotion in the reader, to as little or as great a depth as they receive. If I can communicate with prose as I once and hopefully still do with lyric, I may be able to express myself with purpose, or toward purpose.

I would do well to switch off the desire to achieve and simply do things. Forget the destination I imagine, for it can never be the destination, in itself it is a meaningless concept, for my physical and material destination in life is momentary and so temporary in the grand scheme of things as to be insignificant. Only the continuation of the journey into life and beyond occurs. Some beliefs say this goes beyond our current experience and is as infinite as the universe. If we are composed of the parts of the universe, we return to it, there is no purpose in the why, ultimately, there just is.

This life can be fulfilling in the sense of learning to let go my thinking, my fear, and just put one foot in front of another to see where I am taken and where I go. It can include expressing my creativity on the way without defining a purpose for it. It can simply be a part of my life, once done, done, other things come. I use what I have to express myself, at some point that should lead to being kind to others and making them feel good, as well as being kind to myself and making myself feel good. For I am also like you.

'Peace' Meditation Reflection - Jan 08 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation with mental stresses and physical stresses as before, a little more intense today, but was able to release them substantially through the meditation, and also felt I can share the meditation. There is no joy in selfishness and though judgement can come, it is easily borne. More good than bad in this.