'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 28 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, I had look at emails etc. before starting the meditation and there were no things that took my attention away with any intensity. I often wonder about doing that – I want to just get into the day with waking and maybe a shower, a hot drink and then the meditation, but I almost always exhibit the 'monkey mind' and delve into work issues by opening emails or take my mind to personal or political matter by looking at Facebook or Newspapers. I feel these things distract me from a potentially peaceful start to the day and progress with meditation by causing the meditation to take longer to get into after such current, western, middle-class preoccupations.

At the the start of today's meditation I felt that a hinderance was the fact that I was using the meditation simply as a means to continue with my usual practice of living, but with added relaxation, like giving myself a pat on the back for doing meditation without really approaching any of the benefits of it beyond the most shallow. So once that popped into my mind I put some distance between the thoughts and encouraged myself to let my mind rest. In effect I suppose I brought some kindness to the mindfulness, seeing that my mind never usually really got to rest, to be quiet, and I let myself believe I could do that. The result was some more appreciable silence than other recent meditations and though thoughts did come occasionally again I thought to distance myself from them by letting there be some quiet, not needing the thoughts to come, letting them stop. "Not now," I was saying to myself, "let the meditation really be a time of rest."

So I did sense some more depth to the meditation, unfurling the outer petals without consciously attempting to relax my body much, but letting it happen, being aware of it distantly. I pictured the petals opening, and when my body prompted me to move, the petals closed from the outside, no matter the fact that other peace was going on – the body called strongly.

In this way the meditation progressed, then at the end I felt the breath deeply just as we were being ask to come out of the meditation, so I stayed with it a little longer to see if I could feel the awareness of the breath stay prominent, but it did not stay and a few minutes later came out of the meditation myself. I feel relaxed and that I may have some insight that, if i can apply it, might give me some more depth to my meditations in the future.

Re the medical procedure and trying to enter a meditation under sedation, well, no, that was a non-starter. Propofol allowed nothing but a jump from one moment to another :-).

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 27 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, a little lightheaded as I have been on a liquid only diet for about 36 hrs ahead of a medical procedure later today. I remembered Ajahn Brahm saying that meditation often went better on an empty stomach, but in my case today it was a peaceful but still a fairly shallow meditation. I was able to still the mind and have some times of silence, also there was some time where I had felt my perception expanded to encompass more of the space surrounding me than just the room I sat in - as if I encompassed the outside neighborhood a little, only in the sense that the sounds I heard felt as if they were going on inside of rather than outside of me.

My thoughts were minimal, nothing that grabbed me for long before I let it go, I had the thought to use the sedation I'll be under later to take me into a deep meditation but I doubt very much my mindfulness is strong enough to let me stay aware to even keep that in mind once the plunger is pushed. Will write later if I do experience anything like the deeper meditation stages Ajahn Brahm describes.

So, I feel relaxed. Once again when asked how many layers into the lotus we went I immediately thought, "None," that the lotus was closed but inside it was aware of possibilities for deep peace, like something inside me was keeping a secret, but a secret that warms me,  saying "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, I'll let you in when you're ready, don't worry."

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 26 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, some thoughts on a medical procedure tomorrow but minimally distracting, physically pretty good with only a minor discomfort. During the meditation I was able to let go of the body a little, not completely, finding I was shifting posture every now and again to be comfortable and relieve aches or irritation from the posture I was in, so this made it difficult to go any deeper, yet there were peaceful moments when I felt my mind still and these were/are almost always linked with relaxing the muscles around the eyes and in my brow. When that happens I feel much 

'lighter' physically and more relaxed overall.

Often then I notice colors and lights behind the eyes, but I believe these are almost certainly just the senses of light through the closed eyelids and not nimmita's. Perhaps they preview nimmita a little in the sense that my mind is relaxing? Anyhow, as the meditation progress I went no deeper than this and as the time came to reflect on how far into the lotus I had gone, the image that popped into my mind was of a closed lotus with only the very smallest opening at its top as if the sun was able to warm the inside a little and provide a glimpse of wonderful peace to come, to wake up my inside and say "this is here," yet the petals are closed, I have not yet even let go of the body.

I don't find this at all distracting, if anything it amuses me to visualize that as my progress – that I could feel good and yet have gone almost nowhere, barely scratching the surface of peace, not opening my heart to kindness, but at least being aware that I have a journey to take, when I learn to let go and be kind at each step by simply doing it and not considering before or on the way.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 25 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation after a busy time at work, with my head full of business things to do, physically there was some discomfort in my side. During the meditation I was able to occasionally refocus and remember the simile of the lotus, i.e. when I drifted I came back to the meditation object by briefly imagining the image of a lotus and seeing whether any layers of the lotus had opened. I was able to let go of my body somewhat, my back ached a little, though that did not make me adjust my posture much, and I was more comfortable in my posture than recent days, the discomfort in my side disappeared. 

Right near the end of the meditation when Ajahn Brahm was asking us how we felt, I had a sense of following the in breath and out breath more fully, they were deeper than I had noticed previously, more connected to my stillness, as if their motion was an equilibrium either side of the moment of my center. There were times when I felt I was experiencing 'now' and not being in thoughts of past or future, so this meditation allowed me to be more peaceful than the others this week. I did not feel I went far into the lotus at all, it was more as if some petals had opened in one part of the flower and stayed closed in another - a patchy blossoming. I had felt early on in the meditation that though the outer petals were shut, there was activity underneath, as if there was a readiness for the outer petals to begin opening, though they would not. The images of the lotus were very infrequently in my mind, but at least I had it in mind, and was able to be guided by instruction instead of forgetting the instruction almost the instant I had begun to relax the body as my practice often finds, in this I was an improved student.

There is tension in fear. However it has come about that life provides you anxiety instead of peace the solution is still peace. Internal peace. A way to internal peace is stillness. A way to stillness is to let go of the past and the future, a practice to assist this is meditation.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 24 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to it after attending to some business that stayed unresolved and left a small burden of stress. Physically I felt pretty good. Was sleepy during the meditation, whilst I was able to let go of my body for some moments I again felt the pins and needles which had me change my meditation posture, eventually changing it a couple of times today, so the body was not deeply relaxed. I had thoughts floating around, they weren't a great distraction and none were repetitive or insistent, but they did not leave me room for silence, instead I found myself feeling a bit tired and drifting into sleepiness as I had the other day. It has been part of the guidance that this can happen often until the mindfulness is stronger, though it has not happened to me for many months. I could think that I simply haven't had enough sleep but I don't think that is it, it feels more like my energy to focus is lacking due to the number of thoughts I have running around. In attending to things outside of the meditation hopefully I will have less thoughts to still when I come to the meditation tomorrow, or I will be able to let go of them more completely once again.

'Peace' Meditation Reflection - Feb 23 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation with no prominent mental or physical distraction, though a little anxious on waking this morning, which had mostly dissipated by the start of the meditation. I was able to let go of the body sometimes, though became aware of some discomfort in my posture after about half an hour and changed posture. Mentally I stayed quite relaxed, though I had drifting thoughts, none overpowering, and from time to time I was able to identify them and gently say, "Not now," to myself, allowing them to stop, leaving moments of silence which were more peaceful and felt like a deeper state of mediation, only for me to realize sometime soon after that I had been thinking again and was not in anything but a shallow relaxed state.
I don't seem to be able to focus my attention on the meditation object, having a wandering mind that slips through the fingers of direction to go its own way. I appreciate from other guidance that to let this occur without being harsh with it - and thus focus on a negative thing to make it important - could allow it to stop in and of itself i.e. to stop kicking the ball, though as yet, the ball still rolls, still trundles down endless corridors of thought bouncing from one wall to another as it goes. The ball will come to a stop at sometime, it seems nearer than before, it is rolling slower.

'Center Of Attention' Meditation Reflection - Feb 22 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation with little distraction either physically or mentally, was able to progress in the meditation and find some stillness, my choice was to put  'now' in the center of attention, but by opening up my hearing to all that was happening, to turn my attention outward and keep my thoughts quiet. I was not able to still them throughout the meditation and drifted into thoughts of the future and imaginings of creative ideas I could undertake, thoughts of following whatever connections come, like water flowing downhill to the sea rather than pursuing my own agenda by flooding every channel, effectively applying equal pressure everywhere pressure and seeing which outlet gives. Perhaps this is just another way for wanting to fight for attention?

Certainly it is an egotistical conceit that assumes what I want to pursue is, or will be, of value to others, yet I still behave that way in regard to my creative ideas, always looking to foist them on others in preference to sharing goals – "Hey, you, share my goal, it'll be great, you'll see. Can't you feel it?" I should be able to tap into my mindfulness and see the flaw in that, surely? To share in a goal means it ought best connect personally for those that take it on, or the goal would be less ably fulfilled. There is an ideal by which all involved in a project give it their best, but it is easier accomplished by finding the connection to each persons expressive desire and being able to fulfill it.

'Center Of Attention' Meditation Reflection - Feb 21 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation with the remnants of deep anxiety from the previous night and earlier morning, otherwise, physically calm. During the meditation I found myself occasionally drifting as if I were "nodding off," then noticing suddenly and repositioning myself. Though mentally I did not feel tired, this seems to be the closest simile. Generally, tiredness has not been a feature of my meditation for some months, after hearing that it was very common to feel tired early on in the practice of meditation I stopped bothering about it, (tiredness being a habitual reaction to stillness before mindfulness ramps up). To try and prevent this distraction today I changed my meditation posture but from then on was mostly just uncomfortable and over conscious of my physicality, unable to let the body go. I came out of the mediation a couple of times before the end of it, having felt unsettled since that change of posture. So I have not been able to experience even the most shallow meditation for long today, ah well, that's life.

Regarding my anxiety from the night before, this was a severe test of my emotional stability, that I had ascribed to being improved over the last several month due to meditation practice. Well, my stability ran for the hills as fast as it could for the one night and morning anyway, becoming very agitated and not connecting or staying in to the present moment nor being able to fend off my catastrophic worries over the future. To explain, I was getting extremely worries about financial matters, thinking I would not be able to support myself and my wife and not knowing how to lessen our expenditure without having to leave our home. In fact, I discovered an error in reading my accounts and the anxiety settled. It may be that my anxiety would have settled quicker anyway because of meditation practice, but in truth, I hope I am not faced with such a test again.

I appreciate that the worst that could happen would still provide a life where I would be able to say "this is good enough," and still, I certainly know I have not overcome my fears of the future yet. However unrealistic a catastrophic outlook is, it is an anxiety buried somewhere quite deep inside of me, a place not yet released from suffering, and when I am provoked it comes readily to the surface like a gushing well of oil, coating everything with its negative sheen until peace breaks down its sticky adherence.

'Center Of Attention' Meditation Reflection - Feb 20 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to it with minimal physical and metal distraction, there was a physical discomfort that kept me from letting go of the body for some time but in time it released. In looking to center my attention on 'now' it allowed all sounds that were going on around me to become prominent in the sense of conspiring them to be part of the now. They included ones I might have stopped my meditation for and become involved in, but I stayed in the meditation and looked to let them go, to move instead to some internal peace that let me be the impartial observer, whilst not knowing whether that was an appropriate response to sounds of agitation I was hearing, should have left my meditation? I did find a few moments of peace, and after the meditation it became clear that staying in the meditation had no negative consequence and I did not need to attend to what I was hearing. "Don't just do something, sit there!"

'Center Of Attention' Meditation Reflection - Feb 19 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to it with only a little physical discomfort but significant mental distraction as a loved one was very unwell, in fact this disrupted the meditation a couple of times, but once I settled into the mediation properly it was quite peaceful, there were moments of silence and feeling myself in the moment. I was not quite able to let the body go, the physical distractions never truly leaving, but they were peripheral as befit the practice following the instruction for this meditation. I did not perceive a center of attention very clearly, did not have clarity, but indistinctly my center was peaceful. When I did drift off into thoughts they were not obsessive or anxiety provoking, despite being partially about concern for my loved one. In this respect I have been able to let go of anxieties so they do not trouble me as much as before I began meditating, though I can't say that I have been tested to any high degree regarding the stability of my feelings. I believe I have more tolerance for anxiety provoking issues but only in the sense that I don't hold on to them, that currently I just let them unfold with a fairly balanced attitude. I may have taken stress on physically more because of this more relaxed mental attitude, having seen some problems appear there, but overall I am healthier, and kinder to myself and others.

'Center of Attention' Meditation Reflection - Feb 18 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm (11/01/14)

Came to it with minimal physical distraction and was not unduly disturbed by discomfort in my body, but a slightly higher sitting position created pins and needles in a leg repeatedly which meant I chose to adjust my position a couple of times. However, the main realization I had during this meditation is that I was not able to follow even the most basic instruction for more than a few moments before being distracted by thoughts meandering toward wanting, or past and future considerations. So I have not made any progress, beyond noticing that. In remembering occasionally to bring my focus of attention to 'now' I mostly was aware of not having focus in the rest of the meditation. I was waiting for the mediation to end so I could leave the disappointment of not following instruction behind and get to writing this reflection, so in that too – the 'monkey mind' – I was aware of a wasted opportunity for peace. At least my mindfulness gives me those insights and my frustrations have one level of cause available for me to reflect on. Though not a deep level of insight, it is some progress on having no mindfulness.

Lose the Ego

We all fit together when we are not striving to outdo each other, when we are not wanting more than we have or to be different than we are.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 17 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to it with minimal hindrances yet stayed in wandering thoughts, not letting go of the body, mostly. Still relaxed, but emerged largely uninspired. My inspiration is a flickering flame, it burns brightly when fanned, and at least never truly goes out.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 16 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came with very little physical distraction, was able to have some moments of silence and start feeling the breath, the heartbeat, thoughts came to distract me about the nature of existence...

If, considering time, either each moment is a static position of matter/of antimatter, or there is an infinite series of moments that are plottable (imagine a roll of film, or a slideshow - where a moment in existence is each frame and we can see frame by frame, or step back/step out and see all the frames at once), what gives matter/antimatter the push to change each successive position? Can it be consciousness, sparking tiny 'explosions' to propel movement, would that have to exist on another plane/dimension (poor words, but some 'other' - the 'ghost in the machine') or would the motion of matter and whatever impels it be one and the same? Anyone out there able to reduce my staggering ignorance and misperception with some comment or reading suggestions?

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 15 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came with a certain level of physical hinderance in my left side that did not loosen and I was unable to let it go during the meditation. I don't believe I got past a first layer of petals, though can feel the depths inside, glimpse them in moments. My thoughts were minimal, so I was able to relax and let go of distractions from peace somewhat, let go of any frenzy. I have much I want to do and that wanting is obstructive to peace but I can put it aside better at the present moment that in the past. Also I feel more able to let go of the past at times. Letting go of my future is harder, to be happy where I am. It comes easier when the sounds of the world can soak into my boys and I dissipate with them. To have things I wish to do feels human and the conflict with letting go of wanting is one I look to balance. What will be, will be, and all will be life, till the end of life.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 14 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came with a bit more discomfort in my side, I never fully let the body go and had thoughts rolling around my mind as the meditation progressed, current and future things, less so past things, I was accepting of them but not mindful enough to let them go early so they persisted. That is, I didn't think to let them go till they had taken me away away from now. Still, I feel quite relaxed and evenly burdened, not overly burdened. Ready for the day.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 13 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came with little physical hindrance, and it wasn't in my mind during the meditation. There were thoughts of wanting that took me away from now yet I did find a place of silence near the end of the meditation and had wanted to stay there. There was some sense of nimmita, but not any certainty that the lights I perceived were nimmita. I did feel peaceful and able to come to some center, yet my ongoing wanting is still here, I can only cohabit with it at the moment, it still informs my daily life. I keep in mind the idea of the middle way to accept it, though I appreciate I am likely misapplying it.

Metta Meditation Reflection - Feb 12 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahmali.

I came to it with some agitated thoughts, thought not deep agitation. I was able to relax my body so that I was able to let go of it sometimes during the meditation, and my thoughts did not drift too much from the metta, yet I did not feel great loving kindness, I could connect when I thought of individuals more, and had some sense of goodness in myself from the past and in the present, though my letting go of wanting still felt like it was conflicting with wishing things for myself and others. Still, I want to accomplish some practical good and metta is toward that purpose.

30 Minute Meditation Reflection - Feb 12 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Felt I had come to a good 'now', leaving the past and future and going inside the moment, which is infinite, as all moments are now, when they occur. I had imagery in my head at the start of meditation, echoes of previous thoughts and these gradually left, so too the pain in my side which I did not notice, perhaps letting my body go more than before. This meditation was mostly silent and empty, peaceful though not released from consciousness in the sense that I was aware of the experience, and valuing it, whereas I may look to simply experience it without judgement for true peace.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 11 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came with minimal physical distraction, it did not surface during the meditation as with previous days, which may have something to do with a trust in the process of discovery that a more knowledgeable man than me will help with when I visit a medical specialist. That is the way I look on being kind, for though specific procedures may not be physically kind, I am helping my body by letting it be examined by someone who is experienced and kind themselves.

During the meditation I thought less than recently, though only briefly came to 'now', which felt more noticeable when there was sound. To let go of, or at least go deep into 'now' would be a deeper state than I reached. It felt as if in the 'now' there is my heartbeat and breath, perhaps the breath inside the heartbeat. If I think what there isn't, there is no past or future; no time, which is infinite (the same): now always being the moment it is. There is no thinking and deeper in, presumably, nothing. There is nothing.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 10 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came with minimal physical discomfort, though a low level ache continued as previously. I spent almost all the time in meditation drifting through thoughts about my abilities to apply for work that I could put on a CV, so though I had let go of my body a little, I was not able to let go of my thinking. However, the thinking was not obsessive to the point of being anxiety provoking at least; it gave me no concern about my manual state and felt temporary. Other thoughts about explaining my physical state came too, again, these did not feel anxiety provoking, I did feel quite peaceful come the end of the meditation, but had let go of almost nothing.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 09 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came fairly peacefully, with minor physical hindrances, through the meditation I again forgot about the lotus and drifted into resolving things that I cannot resolve, such as the pain in my side, though I was letting it be somewhat, and the future, which I was seeing and thinking about but not obsessively, I realize that what I see is projection and not to be worried over. Still, I did drift there, giving my ego its wanting fulfillment, where I help great numbers of people to be happier, trying at least to include myself now. This is such a deep, long desire that to let go of it would be a great burden removed. It can be, but only by doing, I believe, more of a zen idea, perhaps, where work removes desire. Perhaps I will find the way by 'not doing'?

The current thoughts were of letting homeless people know they are worth as much if not more than those wrapped up in material gain and self aggrandizement, somehow this again made it seem a criticism of the very charities that offer support, since those charities are predicated on the homeless attaining status, when status is the burden that devalues them. They are free: if they would be fed, they have a life desired by some of the holiest men in the world, the secret is to be happy with it and to exist outside of the judgement greed lays on you, you are not needy if you accept and do not need, you only need if you want more than you have.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 08 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation with many thoughts of the future and a little physical discomfort. When asked how deep into the lotus I got, at the end of the meditation, I had completely forgotten about the lotus, becoming lost in the sense of consideration about will and life, about being a good person, and whether any choice I made was valid. Still I felt, even in meditation, and now, afterward, that there are feelings that provide instinct, they are there even if they are subdued, and those feelings within me have always been in conflict with my upbringing and my education, which is predicated on being a public success, mainly financially, and which I have tried to achieve though it subverts my desire to help others and to put them first. I have an idea I want to pursue which may bring attention to others in some way, but hopefully is based on helping them. Those that want it, anyway. We'll see. Maybe that's just my will pushing me away from peace, or maybe it's my soul bringing me toward it?

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 07 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came with small amount of physical tension, the pain in my side still there but diminished. The meditation went 'quickly', I felt relaxed in the posture and had little distraction from my body apart from the pain. I attempted to diffuse it and that had moments of relieving it. My mind did not wander to too many thoughts, and those that came were let go, though I did not notice silence. There are always dim lights, though I feel these are biological. Some sense of my eyes reacting to what comes through closed lids instead if the nimmita's described by Ajahn Brahm et al. There was one soft blue light that may have been a formative nimmita but it dissipated. The breath is something that has never become beautiful yet. I am relaxed though, and have been able to occasionally soften anxieties by being positive about them and their unnecessarily negative view. Any thought of suffering can be similarly a thought about opportunity and empathy.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 06 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came with minimal physical tension yet it persisted and grew during the meditation, being unable to relax and let it go, thoughts rolled around too, though not anxiously. I feel it's a good meditation to stick with, there is a simplicity in it that I like and find some connection with. I wasn't able to identify a trigger for any anxiety that might cause my internal pain though I suspect it is a general anxiety over judgement and personal achievement. The desire to be acknowledged as good at something and maintain that judgement in the eyes of society, which is very hard to square with my desire not to be known by appearance, or name, even – not to be recognizable. I want to do good things for myself and for others, they exist one inside another these desires. I am not able yet to let go of the wanting and just do, but I have moments of it. I am closer and not further from contentment than I have been for a while, though I was closest when I was just being myself and not considering my being.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 05 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to this with a little more physical intrusion, which did not leave but I explored, looking to get into the center of it, which I was able to do for moments, also, it did not exclude other levels of relaxation, where I felt reasonably present and 'now', leaving the past and future quite well. My thoughts were brief and comfortable in the sense that they did not tend to anxiety over anything, yet they stayed, so there was more time in thought than silence. A good meditation though, with a simplicity of message and effort that I connected with: be aware and be kind.

Metta Meditation Reflection - Feb 02 14

Link to meditation, guided by Bhante Sujato.

Again came with only a little physical hinderance, which became a bit more noticeable during the meditation. Did not connect with loving kindness but more with contentment, though also accessed a memory of a loved one being happy on a beach. Again went to the feeling of doing some good, if not now, then to head for that.

Metta Meditation Reflection - Feb 01 14

Link to meditation, guided by Bhante Sujato.
Came with very little physical distraction, though it grew a little during the meditation. I did not connect with the joy of metta, though the mantra came easily enough. I found my mind drifting to setting up an enterprise where I could help the mentally suffering homeless, those that ride the subway or are drifting on the streets, by telling their stories and having the proceeds come back to them, in tandem with directing them to some help that may aide their daily lives to have less suffering in them.