Meditation Reflection - 30 Oct 14

Felt like I had some moments of being present today, that my mind stilled and I was part of the world, or at least not remote from it. There was peace and space in that, and then my thoughts filled the space, began to look for meaning and purpose, which removed me a bit, but not as far as before I started the meditation.

The Waterfall

I am captured by the sound of the waterfall
and assaulted by the sound of people
who aren't captured
by the sound of the waterfall,
who are speaking words
as if they had as much meaning
as the endless shushing
of the waterfall.

Those that pause here long enough
gradually become silent,
still, for a moment,
understand at some level
that there is something beyond
the noise of their own lives,
then forget
that such peace as there is to find
in this world
is only found by disappearing

into the sound of the waterfall.

Meditation Reflection - Drop Anchor

I would like to remember that how and what I am is good enough. All my life I have been pulled and pushed, internally and externally, incited and excited to move from what and where I am, to have, to own, to prove, to climb. I still do it now in meditation, to somehow attain, overcome, dominate, rule, and never to accept and be. Yet I may be able to, by stopping during meditation, to drop anchor and be here, wherever that is, and let all else go by.

Unguided Meditation Reflection - May 05 14

I have been meditating for a few days with no guidance, though a couple of times after listening to part of a talk.

After a period of anxiety I have been calmer in the past few days, the anxiety broke for some reason, the anxiety to do with affording to live here without getting employment. It had come on strongly, nothing has changed since the day it came on, except I find my perception of our financial situation has relaxed a bit.

I don't think this is to do with meditation, but it is possible that the anxiety did not last as long as it might were I not meditating. Either way, I like the routine of getting up and meditating, even if the meditation is not meditation, but sitting and letting thoughts roll around in a more relaxed mind.

When moments of peace come they are very noticeable, but I have not yet stayed in them for hardly any time at all. When I consider what I write I avoid words like try and want, though I still feel I am trying and wanting. To avoid the words on the page is a lie I hope will become true in life.

Doing, being, accepting, these are happiness. I know that, somehow.

"30 Minute Meditation" Reflection - Apr 30 14

Link to the meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to this feeling quite tired and looking to use the practice for some mental clarity before continuing the day. Well, that's wanting right there, and as it turned out, I was able to let go the body quite well, and quite quickly, but them proceeded to drift into thoughts about exactly what I was looking to clear my mind about before taking it on later.

There were some moments of quiet, when I heard the rain outside, and let go the thoughts, but they were brief, and though I have benefitted from relaxing for half an hour, I have barely touched on the practice of meditation.

It's laughable to think I spend other reflections considering enlightenment and deep stages, when I don't have the mindfulness to stop thinking for more than a few seconds.

"Letting Go" Meditation Reflection - Apr 30 14

Link to the meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation a little more anxious than other days recently since fears of stress and struggle around finances were on my mind. To let go of them a little during meditation was a relief, feeling my self free of them was a great burden lifted. Free in the sense of going with the flow, that the stresses come and go and needn't overwhelm, if I have a less obsessive attitude toward them.

There's also the sense of an attitude that "everything will work out ok," which I have heard in the guidance and talks as a reasonable state of mind for life, and perhaps based on the idea that this life is not as important as we, who are unenlightened, make it out to be.

The short term anxieties that are part of society have a deep hold on me some days, I always seem to look to avoid them by reacting with fear and reaching out for help. I learn on the way what it is to have anxieties, so this allows me to be more compassionate and empathetic, and still I wish these anxieties over practical matters were more easily borne and less disruptive.

I have another sense that when I come to that lessening of those particular burdens, then they will just shift elsewhere.

The aim is to be more peaceful inside rather than look for peace outside.

"Letting Go" Meditation Reflection - Apr 29 14

Link to the meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

This was a deeper meditation, after letting go the body significantly and recognizing thoughts conspiring to take me into the low level drift, I had a feeling that I was pursuing status, the spiritual materialism as well as the physical, to be considered as a valued person in the world by many other other people.

Such an attitude hinders me from taking small steps to improve my meditation. I am not in a position to attain enlightenment if I believe enlightenment is for personal gain and public acknowledgment.

I am barely in a position to stop my thoughts, yet today in the meditation, after looking at what I was wanting (status) I did find some clarity and silence in my mind, I did feel that to be kind and to be mindful could help in all situations, yes, there were distractions that came with some thoughts I could pursue and ponder, but I did not, I let them go and had a little while just being in a peaceful and clear state, I felt quite light mentally, that there was some space to enjoy without the clamor to be some other way.

The idea to stop and consider (use wisdom, such as it is) why thoughts are coming up in the midst of meditation, came from suggestions by various minks who take the meditations I follow.

The end of the meditation brought a feeling more akin to having done something constructive.

"Frog In A Pond" Meditation Reflection - Apr 28 14

Link to the meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation not long after walking, with a little distraction into world news prior to beginning the practice. I let go of the body reasonably well for a while, then had some pins and needles in a leg. It is sometimes happens and yet I can't see a difference in how I sit, so it puzzles me when I get it. Thinking started from it being moved and let that go too.

There was some silence in my meditation, moments where I was feeling part of the moment I was in, of the bigger world rather than just my subjective perception of it. Thoughts came and went, mostly about finding a place for myself amid the life of others, some definition that I require sometimes, today it was seeing myself as an agent of change in others, but I don't know why this should be, I doubt it is anything but a muddled view.

Mostly I think I may be a frog imaging what it is like out of the water and of course being wrong, never having left the pond.

"Letting Go" Meditation Reflection - Apr 27 14

Link to the meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation soon after waking and quite relaxed, sat outside with a cold wind from one side and warm sun on the other. Was able to let go of the body quite successfully, though felt it in the context of the temperature, of the cold coming in or the warmth bathing me, conscious of the light as I moved my head occasionally.

My mind was able to relax at times to quite peaceful quiet states, whilst at other times there were thoughts drifting around, which did not snare me for long, yet were distractions from silence. I was aiming to not reflect on words, or thoughts but on the experience of just being sat there.

When the meditation finished I felt pleased to have done it, yet that I had not been deeply into it, nor sat for long enough at peace. I was looking too much, I believe, wanting again. This is a practice that may take a good while until I can sidestep wanting or stop in sneaking up on me.

"Remember You're Asleep" Meditation Reflection - Apr 26 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

I saw in this meditation that the enlightened ones are leaving clues; helping us to know we are asleep and to wake us up, either gently, or with a jolt. This is what dreaming gives us: a pattern to follow, a clue. This is what life's wanting is about: the sense that we are not fulfilled, but it gets mistaken for a thing to be fulfilled by accumulating and digging your heels in, being so completely asleep that you make the dream idyllic, not wanting to wake up; when it is the dream itself that must recognized before you can begin fulfillment.

My life could be construed as a visit to experience wanting and to connect with what I had forgotten in a previous life, perhaps where I had tantalizing glimpses of enlightenment; a life where I wondered what it would be like to want and worry, looking to do that in the next life, this one.

Could this be why I came into this life with muddied insight into there being more than I experienced in my waking moments, feeling different, having imagination that drove me inward, having poor sight to keep me there, being prodded along the way to keep me uncomfortable, saying "feel deeply what this life is," whilst always hinting that this is not all there is, that this is impermanent, so don't fall in so far that you can't get out?

Then I forgot; lived a human experience, and now once again the prodding happens: don't get lost, there is more than this, just experience this as one part of existence.

The fish in the water is the soul in a human, the I that you are is a small part of the whole truth.

Meditation is there to help you remember you're asleep and to let you wake up.

New York Times Haiku Contest Success!

Thank you very much

for publishing my Haiku

in The New York Times.

Apr 25 14

"You cannot teach the stomach to catch food." Meditation Reflection - Apr 25 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm,

I came to the meditation relaxed and ready to let go of things and see where the meditation, and did let go of my body significantly, but after a while with my mind, I forgot to let things go, to throw them away and drifted few a few thoughts, then my mindfulness would say, "What is it you are doing, can you move around that and let things go, to see what happens when there is silence?" and I went there for a little while before again finding a thread that I picked up instead of leaving on the ground and so the meditation unravels a little bit at a time whenever I pick up that thread and pull on it. I will make progress when I see the thread and can leave it alone.

Enlightenment can only be found when you stop looking, and I am searching everywhere at the moment. My focus is in the wrong place. You cannot teach the stomach to catch food.

"Letting Go" Meditation Reflection - Apr 23 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Not the revelatory insights of yesterday, but another foray into relaxing yet thinking, punctuated by brief passages of peace where I let go the thoughts; in a very small way began to let go of myself.

I still found the sense that the human existence here is just part of a complete existence beyond time and physicality, but I did not pursue it, just let that feeling arrive and leave: the guidance to not ponder during meditation being in my mind, and allowing me to let go of pondering after a while, but not immediately.

There was a moment when I felt that my journey through wanting, wondering and worrying could be let go for one of joyful contentment; that in fact that was simply my choice at any time, to leave behind a path I have been on and step to a new one.

To reduce the frustration in my inability to take that step I say to myself that I will be able to take it when the time is right, when the step is clearly presented to me as possible. This is a knowing misunderstanding of making the best of what you have, I am waiting to be hit of the head with another gift from the universe, whilst I wallow in my poor choices. I am moving myself a little nearer living a good life with the current passage of time though, I believe.

There is another path there, I may be able to take it sooner, and by choice rather than by having it handed to me. I may be able to let go of my chains and shackles.

"Letting Go" Meditation Reflection - Apr 21 14

Link to meditation guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, though with a head full of thoughts, and despite the guidance encouraging us to throw out the ballast and rise free of burdens, I remained sat resolutely on the ground, thinking, though in a relaxed manner. This is sometimes my lot: my pastiche of meditation.

When asked at the the end, "what's it like to be free?" I smile, shake my head gently and say, "I have no idea."

Now I'm off to finish our taxes. :-)

'What's it like to be free?' Meditation Reflection - Apr 20 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, though with a head full of thoughts, and despite the guidance encouraging us to throw out the ballast and rise free of burdens, I remained sat resolutely on the ground, thinking, though in a relaxed manner. This is sometimes my lot; my pastiche of meditation. When asked at the the end, "What's it like to be free?" I smile, shake my head gently and say, "I have no idea." Now I'm off to finish our taxes. ;-)

'Letting Go' Meditation Reflection - Apr 18 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Does this really help, to list my reflections? Maybe it helps me, but that wasn't supposed to be the point. How can my detailing my meditation practice help you?

I hoped there may be some common ground, a place where what i experienced connected with yours, but it would be the blind leading the blind in some ways. Lots of Monkeys hoping to write Shakespeare. Still, Here we are.

I came to the meditation quire relaxed, and let go of the body somewhat, my thoughts drifted around low level concerns and ideas, family things, complaints, wanting work, wanting attention. then at some point my body started it's twisting again, it has been happening fairly consistently recently, my head twists far to the right, stretching out the left side neck muscles quite far, it feels comfortable whilst it's happening, then afterward my neck feels a bit achy.

Ajahn had said its almost always excellent where the body contorts itself as long as we are not compelling it consciously, so i go with it. Hopefully it will help my upper back pain.

How does that help you? Well, maybe I could say, "I find my body contorting itself, I had heard guidance that should it do so, it is usually excellent for you, the body working it's own kinks out, so if you find that happening to you, let it continue, I'm passing on what I heard."

How does my basically relating the ongoing skimming the surface of meditation help anyone? Well, maybe I can say "Once again I am only skimming ht surface of meditation, yet I know from the guidance I follow that this is the most common lay issue with meditation, and it is only the practice that will let any deeper states come. Practice combined with mindfulness, with reflection and guidance, these things can further the benefits and journey into mediation, so as I persist, come along with me and lets see how we do, let me know if you have any breakthrough."

'Letting Go' Meditation Reflection - Apr 17 14

Link to meditation guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation much relieved after the anxious state of yesterday and the evening before was released by seeing it was self-imposed, by not waiting and seeing a bigger picture, what I was afraid of was not going to happen, but my fears took me to a place where it was already happening.

Anyway, today's meditation felt peaceful, thoughts were few and my mind was quite open. The talk beforehand was about the impossibility of knowing the nature of ourselves or our existence until enlightenment so not pursuing explanation or insight, as it will always be misguided or at best just one part of the picture: a fish cannot know water.

This was part of my meditation object, allowing me not to explore thoughts that came up, which were the usual wanting: wanting to know, to be more, to be enlightened, to be wealthy, not wanting to be as I am: to be afraid, to be searching, to be lost.

These wants and not-wants are the barrier to peace, that I have not overcome, from my earliest notions as a child wanting contentment and being knowingly stuck in that paradox. I will continue practicing not wanting. I can perceive it, at least, I believe.

Though I am only a fish, maybe I am a flying fish. Perhaps I am not a fish but a dolphin, knowing of different states, yet not poking my head above water yet.

These metaphors are a poor state of affairs. They describe wanting, themselves, pointing out one who cannot just be what he is.

'Afraid of something that isn't happening' Meditation Reflection - Apr 16 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm,

Came to the meditation with much relief, after the anxious state of yesterday and the evening before was released by seeing it was self-imposed by not waiting and seeing a bigger picture.

What I was afraid of was not going to happen, but my fears took me to a place where it was already happening.

Anyway, today's meditation felt peaceful, thoughts were few and my mind was quite open. The talk beforehand was about not possibly knowing the nature of ourselves or our existence until enlightenment so it helped me hold the notion of not pursuing explanation or insight, as it will always be misguided or at best just one part of the picture: a fish cannot know water.

This was part of my meditation object, allowing me not to explore thoughts that came up, which were the usual wanting, wanting to know, to be more, to be enlightened, to be wealthy, not wanting to be as I am: to be afraid, to be searching, to be lost. These wants and not wants are the barrier to peace, I have not overcome, from my earliest notions as a child - wanting contentment and being knowingly stuck in that paradox.

I will continue practicing not wanting, I believe I can perceive it, at least.

If I am a fish, maybe I am a flying fish. Perhaps I am not a fish but a dolphin, knowing of different states, yet not poking my head above water yet.

These metaphors are a poor state of affairs. They describe wanting, themselves, pointing to one who cannot just be what they are.

'Confusing Money with Love' Meditation Reflection - Apr 15 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation immensely stressed from an uncertain financial worry. The stress is one I fall into despite it not being a certain and real imminent problem, it is a fear I have not been able to let go of. I remember at those times that a measure of the strength of ones practice is how much of the teaching can be held onto under duress. I clearly lose almost all my connection to eace at the drop of a hat, which adds to my frustration.

During the meditation I was able to let go of the body fairly well, some physical pain persists at a low level and my body still moves in what feels like an automatic way to relieve tensions in my neck and upper back.

Mentally I was able to let go of the gripping fear and repetitive thoughts, finding some moments of silence and of reflection that came to me, those being that I have confused receiving money with receiving love, have confused being paid with being valued.

Where I also suffer is being driven from a place of peace simply by the consideration of not being able to have money to live a life in which I am part of all levels of society.

The value placed by society on what I do has become a standard by which I measure being loved for myself; this is the torment of rejected art. Most work is not taken as a value by which a person measures themselves fully, yet in art it is.

I also suffer the fear of disappointing my loved ones, by proving myself to be incapable of protecting them and by still needing protection.

All these fears being considered help me feel calmer, I hope it lasts.

'Separate from your thoughts' Meditation Reflection - Apr 14 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation soon after waking, feeling quite relaxed, though my sleep was patchy. Sat outside again, using a technique of opening out my perception to let every sound in, but not follow them for meaning, only for perceiving my inclusion in the world. My thoughts were few, but there and I did not go deeply into meditation, there was also a physical discomfort that was with me for quite a while in the meditation but left by the end of it.

I feel quite refreshed and comfortable and would say the method I use has a benefit to me in lessening my thoughts so may pursue that for a while, whilst I can sit outside and meditate.

The thoughts I had went back to a discussion about religion I was having with a religious Jew who proclaimed the Torah to be clearly God's words as they have never changed, whereas as all the other religious books have different versions. It seemed to me that tales like the Iliad and the Odyssey and early Greek plays have also survived unchanged, but with commentary, like the Torah and the Talmud. Perhaps I am wrong.

'Separate from your thoughts' Meditation Reflection - Apr 13 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation early after waking, felt relaxed but for some minor physical pain, being a beautiful day, I sat outside for this meditation.

Was able to let the body go mostly, save for this upper back pain/tension, I found that my body moved me about, it felt quite automatic, I was not consciously propelling myself and just went with it whilst keeping my mind open without thoughts. Instead of using the object of projecting thoughts onto a screen I was using the sounds of the world to fill the space that thoughts inhabit, though perhaps a better analogy was that I was emptying my mind of thoughts to allow the space to hear the sounds of the world. This kept my thoughts quiet for periods within the meditation. Though thoughts did drift, mostly connected to wanting; to the process of trying to find some work that would be worthwhile, enjoyable and connected to my creativity. This is a circle of thoughts that will probably persist until work is found or one of my creative projects provides the financial means to not have to work for others directly.

I finished the meditation feeling a bit better physically, and quite relaxed mentally, the emptying out of my thoughts by turning my attention outward feels like it works as a meditation object at this stage, though I know that reducing distraction is a means to peace in meditation that the guidance directs us to.

'Separate from your thoughts' Meditation Reflection - Apr 12 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation soon after awaking, with a relaxed manner, was able to let's go of the body significantly and practice relaxing my mental world. It did feel relaxed and yet, thoughts flowed when my gatekeeper had forgotten the meditation object, to send thoughts to a screen that was away and behind me, wrapping partly above me, keeping the thoughts apart from the meditation. There were periods of the meditation where this happened, and I had peaceful times, often I seem to have my mind expand to hear all the sounds of the world I am sitting in, I don't try and identify the sounds, I experience them. It is only a low level experience of meditation but it is a worthwhile one on the journey of practice.

'Separate from your thoughts.' Meditation Reflection - Apr 10 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation shortly after waking up, fitting it between that and an early appointment. Was not very physically settled and found I did not let the body go fully, adjusting several times, having pins and needles also, which I chose to move to release. Perhaps the thoughts of having the appointment disturbed me, I was able to push my thoughts out occasionally, and at other times drifted in them, though they were not anxious or strongly attracting my attention. After the meditation I feel quite relaxed and mentally more ready for the day, fresher, so let's get to it.

'Separate from your thoughts' Meditation Reflection - Apr 9 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation no differently to recent days, quite relaxed, some underlying anxieties, several paths open to take, with obstacles ahead to do so.

My meditation, after letting go the body and spending a little while having mindfulness acting as gatekeeper for thoughts, one idea in particularly came through where I sensed that to create, it would benefit to not consider the audience,  not what I thought would want to be read, but to only consider deeply what I want to say, and that this would be true of all creators, a separation from the audience is necessary to prevent dilution of the spirit in which we create; to be simply and deeply and only what we are, that others may look upon it and reflect; retain power in the uniqueness of the voice and the representation; be looking out from the inside rather than looking in from the outside.

After this path had been followed a little while my body began to make automatic movements as mentioned occasionally by Ajahn Brahm as being beneficial to the meditator if they found it happening – it may be considered the body relieving tensions or stresses long held – so I went with it and let my body twist, mostly my neck, my head being twisted far to the right, feeling it stretch the left side is of my neck significantly, being in fact restricted by the wall I was leaning against, then my body moved as far again in the opposite direction and after that to a position curled over forward.

A feeling that these positions were ones in death from hanging, or before death by beheading, came, feelings that we have all died similarly and have the body memory somewhere. That my body was somehow working these out, that I had been executed many times, hopefully that I had not been a bad person but a victim.

Strange to have those feelings, I don't invest deep meaning into them, or declare them definitive, just that this is where my sense went whilst moving these ways. I also believe my body is helping me work out recent upper back pain, though that could be spiritually connected to tensions long held for buried reasons, it could also be simply for sitting with poor posture whilst writing.

The far flung occult and the absolutely mundane are of equal value, to feel physically well now is the aim. Certainly my physical movements that twisted me today felt guided by my body and something unconscious, or deeply internal, hopefully they will prove beneficial.

I feel quite well come the end of the meditation (which I brought myself out of, having lost the audio guidance on the device).

'Separate From Your Thoughts' Meditation Reflection - Apr 8 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the the meditation without having engaged in the usual email, start of work, checking for things that must be done, 'monkey mind' morning. Made a cup of tea had sat and listened to the introduction whilst stretching and then went into the meditation under Ajahn Brahm's guidance.

After being able to relax my body enough to let it go, I found that a visualization whereby my thoughts are running on a screen behind me, rather than in front of me (where I would be watching them) was a helpful start in moving my thoughts away from me. Listening to the guidance I also heard an image suggested where one flies above the forest and free of the thoughts. I saw this, as both a butterfly and a bird were flying, yet I did not stay with it.

Thoughts did come and I followed them, one train of thought particularly where I was drawn to an idea for looking for work in a particular charity that I had a past connection with, that I had forgotten for years until the moment the thought popped into my head. I didn't want to completely dismiss those thoughts as they seemed linked to my relaxed state, as if my relaxation unblocked a tiny stream long dammed. I was not engaged in pursuing that thought without also focussing on staying relaxed in meditation, and it did go.

I came to the end of the meditation feeling quite relaxed, more so than at the start, there was a physical pain that I had not been able to let go fully, which is still with me a little, but I am feeling more in tune with the day that I was before I sat still and let myself practice meditation.

'Meditation Posture' Meditation Reflection - Apr 7 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to The meditation quite relaxed yet with a heavy heart after watching "History of the Jews" - a PBS documentary series - last night. This morning prior to the meditation I was unable to apply 'letting go of the past' to that weight of suffering, though wanted to balance it with joy. The balance is out. Anyhow, it has dulled my joy today, appropriately, maybe, though I doubt it is the Simon Schama's intention to leave the viewer feeling sad at the end of the series.

The meditation was very peaceful, I let go of the body fairly completely, with minimal fidgeting and only sight postural changes, of which some were led by my body rather than my mind.

Mentally I drifted in low level, even thoughts, and had a measure of mindfulness looking out for thoughts to guide me to silence. I did experience some silence, some peace, some, indivisibility with my surroundings.

Feeling quite calm now, pleased at least to have followed another morning's practice.

'Meditation Posture' Meditation Reflection - Apr 6 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation after a simple morning and was quite relaxed, physically comfortable. During the meditation I was not quite able to let go of the body as completely as recent days, a small ache in an ankle being enough of a distraction to be uncomfortable.

Mentally I had several bouts of thinking. I came into the meditation aiming to disappear myself and just sit with my hearing taking in the world, till I let that go, yet I did not follow that path.

My mindfulness is able to act as gatekeeper sometimes, not consistently, though I felt today, very much that it was aware, that I was able to notice my thinking and quiet it, let it quiet down, aided by my mindfulness.

This is an early stage of meditation then, perhaps, where I am consciously invoking my mindfulness, next (though to seek 'what's next' is counter-productive) may be unconscious invoking, so there is a simpler movement to silence and after that perhaps the silence where mindfulness is also at peace and can relax its attention, the mind acing become peaceful enough not to need constant, or any, monitoring. If this is a journey through meditation, it may have a path; to see where mine goes and not to direct it is in my mind.

'I won't condemn or blame.' Meditation Reflection - Apr 5 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation quite relaxed after listening to parts of a lecture and doing some stretching, I find the introductions to the meditations, after the first few listens, become a time of gearing up (down, really) for the start of the meditation, and the content of the guidance a path inward that I concentrate less on and use to relax, some ideas crop up and I hear them in ways I haven't heard them before when my focus is calmer.

During this meditation I was able to let go of the body quite well, it was connected still, but very calm, it moved of its own accord a little, I moved it a little myself a few times, at other times the stillness in it was relaxing.

My thoughts were very peripheral most of the time and I had my mindfulness quietly and gently shushing thoughts when they became too distinct, still, I did drift into brief periods of imagining current preoccupations, what if's and wanting, but happily, even now, just after the meditation, they are indistinct. I couldn't tell you a purpose or direction to those periods of thought, I am only left with the knowledge that they were going on and my mind was not silent, at rest and peaceful. Yet it was relaxed. I feel in this that I am not really fully meditating, that I am somehow shamming, simply sitting quietly and relaxing without stilling the mind and truly letting go, yet at the same time I won't condemn or blame, it is what it is at this stage in my meditation practice, it will be a different thing each time, and in time.

It feels beneficial.

'"Stress is not the purpose of life," Meditation Reflection - Apr 4 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to meditation fairly comfortable in mind and body save for carried stresses which mentally tend to anxiety and physically to pain. The pain persisted at a very low level during the meditation, the mental anxiety fell away mostly, some thoughts coming to say "Stress is not the purpose of life," also bringing up a number of things I was intending to do today, and imaginations taking me back into last night's dreams occasionally.

So mentally I did not let myself let go of thinking, although the thoughts were not anxious in nature, more peripheral and even calming at times. Still, I have not been able to use the meditation to refresh myself mentally.

At the end of the meditation I feel relaxed, quite alert, my body has been still and benefitted perhaps the most today.

Why seek unhappiness? - Meditation Reflection - April 3 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation feeling tired, weary, mostly mentally, a little bit physically. A busy and agitated mind some of yesterday, outside of times of concentration on creative work, and working late, till after midnight, must have contributed to that.

I lost the volume to the guidance for the meditation almost as soon as it had started, so I meditated without guidance and found myself drifting a little in thoughts, but not distinctly except for a time where I was feeling that seeking unhappiness, through focussing on difficulties whilst pushing aside pleasures as being unequal in worth for consideration, is a waste of life.

The pressure of 'achieving' a certain status or goal that may or may not come and striving to the point that excludes allowing happiness in simple living is a modern western paradigm, and one that causes ill health both mentally and physically.

Of course, some, or much, of this pressure comes from competing for money, which has been given central importance as the currency of reward. We have to fit this into our lives if we wish to be part of the society that revolves around it, to exist in it.

Over the past thousand years, money has pushed out religion as the spine of our society, before religion it may be that the spine consisted of only water, food, warmth: the basic requirements of existence. Alongside money, religion and subsistence is power, to be in possession of as much of what allows life to be lived provides the holder with safety, or it is presumed to.

Maintaining life is built into our evolution and expressed as society. If you stand outside of competition, you are dependent on your existing resources or the kindness of others.

We are not a particularly kind creature, mostly having a limited circle of love, stretching to one or a few other beings if at all, but then there are those of us that believe we can be kind and can share in existence rather than compete for it. Those are my kind, yet within me is the other kind too.

We all are somewhere on that spread between monopolizing power to secure existence and sharing power to secure existence, where are you?

'Meditation Posture' Meditation Reflection - April 2 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation having started some work which concerned financial issues that provoke anxieties, physically I felt write relaxed, with some minor pain that distracted occasionally, but not through the whole meditation, in which largely I was able to let the body go.

There was definitely a sense of relaxation, of some peace and acceptance, also the thought to let the meditation be a thing of and to itself in which I practiced the guidance, and not to expand the idea of the practice to live every moment of my life by applying the guidance for meditation. I thought in that moment, that this would free me from wanting more from the meditation than whatever it gives during the immediate practice of it, whilst letting go the underlying taught truth: that meditation does affect the whole life lived whilst practicing it.

This felt like it might allow more focus during the meditation.

I drift through gentle thoughts and imagination, all peripheral bar that one idea, and came to the end of the meditation feeling more relaxed and more alert, once I had come out of it.

'Meditation Posture' Meditation Reflection - April 1 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation after lots of distraction this morning through work and birthday things, was conscious of some physical tensions, muscular or skeletal, I believe, that have persisted for a couple of weeks.

During the meditation I was distracted by one of these tensions particularly, unable to fully let it go, similarly I did not find the mindfulness to let thoughts go as I was able to yesterday.

Mostly the thoughts focussed around contacting someone for creative work purposes, which could be sourced back to wanting, to looking for fulfillment of a long held belief that I ought to be connecting to a large public and having the public enjoy my writing and being moved by it to explore their own feelings to a positive end.

It can often feel like a ludicrous conceit, then at other times it seems quite reasonable considering the affect my work has had when in that arena. It is wanting, yes, it is sometimes striving, and yet is in now less of each and still a fundamental part of me.

'Meditation posture' Meditation Reflection - Mar 31 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, even after doing some early morning work which has importance and would at earlier times in my life before meditation stay on my mind and be distracting. Physically I had very minor aches that I was able to let go of mostly.

This meditation, focusing on allowing the body to be comfortable and letting go of the body in its comfortable position to then see the mind as a lotus petal, to which nothing sticks, allowed plenty of peace today, there were very few distracting thoughts.

The consideration of a mind to which nothing sticks during meditation was helpful, after having gone through some imaginations of what would stick to a lotus petal and letting them go. I found that if I was drifting in thoughts, those thoughts were so indistinct as to be almost unnoticeable and left behind quickly. There was some interruption to the quiet during my meditation which again was let go of quickly.

This meditation has limited and select guidance once begun, very spare and lots of room to leave the meditator to their own devices, and I found it to be one in which I felt peaceful and came out of more relaxed than when I started, not feeling quite as alert though as with the metta meditation of the previous days. I tended toward a dream like state rather than a mindful state I believe, so will see how it progresses this week.

Metta Meditation Reflection - Mar 30 14

Link to meditation, guided by Bhante Sujato

Came to the meditation simply, with few obstructions beyond my usual low grade anxious thoughts and slight physical pains. I was able to relax the body and begin the mantra with few thoughts taking me away from it significantly, there were thoughts and imaginations at the beginning that distracted but they receded, they came largely from dreams and a film I was watching last night can which a man remembers several different lives all lived at the same time.

I let the mantra be my focus and though I had no experience of a warm loving kindness the meditation, through the different stages of the mantra, felt deeper than meditations without a mantra.towards the end the mantra fell away and I sat in meditation just to be, to let it take me where it would for a little while, I thought of the lotus and that perhaps I had exposed a second layer of petals more fully than when taking the guidance of the lotus meditation itself.

I had some silence, some 'lights' though not nimmita I believe, maybe a hint that they were there. I then came out of the meditation by noticing my physicality, that I felt like moving, and that mentally I believed I was gaining some resilience, some way to accept and let go of my long carried anxieties that much more quickly.

Somewhere before or during my meditation was also the thought that my worries about money and finances were in fact worries about fear, fear of anxiety returning. I don't do things I wish to do partly because I live with a lover who convinces me not to pursue things that are not obviously financially beneficial, since I and we have limited means. This drives my life toward less fulfillment. I would like to pursue creativity for the belief it has fulfillment inherent in it. It is a poor excuse to not pursue happiness for the sake of love, and a false one.

Metta Meditation Reflection - Mar 29 14

Link to meditation, guided by Bhante Sujato

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, a bit less physical pain each day  over the last few days, so not a distraction beyond wheat stretching out, as I do before I settle into the meditation posture.

The meditation went well, I believe, though not clearly in the direction of metta. I repeated the mantra and was able to let go the body, such that it was not a distraction, hardly fidgeting at all.

Again I did not connect directly to a loving kindness within self, yet felt that it was a barrier I was presenting to the world, which did not let loving kindness in. With that feeling circulating, I thought of those that loved me or showed me love and how I deflected it, or did not soak up the warmth of it, so I revisited the love and in my meditation looked to let it warm me. This did not flood me with love or warmth but gave some sense that I could be more open to love, not skipping over that part of existence as if I understood it and did not value it.

How can I give love fully if I do not experience it fully?

When the mantra moved to wishing happiness for all beings, I felt a shift which is hard to describe, one that was almost a sense of conscious detachment beginning from my physical body, I imagined it may be the start of the experience transcendental meditators call astral meditation. But it did not develop once I had tuned my attention to it. I stopped the audio for the metta meditation and sat with no guidance, wanting to follow wherever my meditation was taking me without it being ended by Bhante Sujato's guidance.

I did not 'go' anywhere, I sat and felt that a defining unity of human existence is uncertainty, we do not know, we rarely accept; we mostly search, fear that this life is all, question our place or run from the questions.

Yet this is one umwelt, our experience of existence is but one and perhaps we are experiencing it as part of a stage of being. When it is is accepted and truly lived and felt, then we move on. Perhaps: if there is a human ideology that applied to existence, which is a very egotistical notion. But maybe we connect with the larger existence in these ways that humans feel common ties, we experience life as a journey, a motion through what we call time. A journey supposes a beginning and and end which we have, so we project that on what we don't know, as if what we don't know has a human correlation, or we dismiss it and project a larger stasis, as if existence is always, again only frameable in human terms. Well, what else can we do? Since we acknowledge we are limited we believe we may transcend our experience when our life's journey ends.

There was another personal consideration that cropped up in metta, that has cropped up several times since beginning meditation. That I have this internal good, felt with certainty at the most empty time in my life, an almost defining characteristic beneath all others, and that my life should be used to do good for others, others beyond my immediately loved. It may be that in attempting this I do not do good, that somehow I cause confusion and suffer cyclical rejection and frustration, but that argument only keeps my stuck. Most things I feel, or anyone feels, about doing good can be shot down, but only letting myself live that part of life will tell its story. I hope I do move from considering it, from my internal argument and fears, to doing it.

Metta meditation Reflection - Mar 28 14

Link to meditation, guided by Bhante Sujato.

Came to the meditation calm and open, quite relaxed, some physical discomfort but nothing that interrupted the meditation. I was able to let go of the body and begin the mantra without being distracted by other thoughts, though again, as with other days, they did come, at a low and peripheral level, occasionally becoming my focus; thoughts of projects I wish to undertake, how I might do them and maintain financial stability; whether I should postpone them – thoughts based on wanting.

The guidance asks us to notice the feeling of loving kindness in our body that metta meditation fosters, and this I cannot yet feel. To bring up some warmth and loving kindness when wishing happiness of myself I bring to mind an image of my pet cat curled up in the sunlight, which also brings up my physical and mental connection to laying relaxed and happy in the sunlight, and I look to keep that feeling in mind whilst using the mantra "May I be happy." sometimes I feel it is also a question "May I be happy?" that is directed at the universe. In the next stage of metta - may my loved one be happy - I also imagine her lying happily on a beach in the sun to maintain that body memory of warmth during the meditation.

Come the end of the meditation I feel that it has gone quickly, that I feel more focussed mentally than at the beginning, that I feel more centered and peaceful, but I do not feel loving kindness, yet.

Metta Meditation Reflection - Mar 27 14

Link to meditation, guided by Bhante Sujato.

Came to the meditation mentally fairly relaxed, with some concerns of day to day life waiting to be resolved and provoking some anxiety at a low level, physically there is a fair amount of pain today likely from a muscle strain, so pain but no worry, a distraction, but one that is able to be put aside during meditation, as happened during the first few moments of relaxing the body and centering the mind.

I found myself able to focus on the mantra a little more clearly today; less thoughts takings from it, though they still did come and my concentration on each mantra diminished over time, until it was re-introduced by the guidance and directed to another area.

My uncertainty with metta was deepened nearer the end as I remembered an obstructive path of thinking whereby I feel the happiness of some beings is predicated on the suffering of others, such as wasps that lay eggs in other live animals, such as carnivores, and killers for other reasons.

I realize of course that this is an incomplete train of thought and budhist texts and teachings would have an answer, an acceptance for these lives and what their happiness entails that I do not, yet.

The meditation definitely allows my mind to feel less fatigued and at the end of the meditation I feel a fuller ability to concentrate and focus. I put the contradictions I uncover aside and turn my mind to the positives of the meditation and moving into the day more ready and more peaceful than without a meditation.

Metta Meditation Reflection - Mar 26 14

Link to meditation, guided by Bhante Sujato.

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, small obstructions in the recesses of my mind as I have carried for so long: fears and worries, greed and disillusion.

The metta conflicting with letting go stays with me as before. I was able to relax the body and did not fidget or feel uncomfortable. My mind followed the mantras for a time then drifted to unconnected thoughts, those that are common to me, but at low levels of emotional response, i.e. the thoughts come but there is no escalation of feeling if they are troubling, I feel more able to let them just be thoughts and not to be inhabited unrealities, than during my life without meditation.

When asked to connect to and send loving kindness from within to without, I find no loving kindness within, no warmth or joy that doesn't feel manufactured just to perform a facsimile of what is possible.

I do know the love and kindness are there, yet I have not found a connection through metta, mostly I find my connection is with sharing time with those who I carry love for; a direct physical connection.

I don't include myself in that but do have a very strong connection to feeling I have good within me. I don't quite equate good with love, since my goodness is corrupted by wanting, whilst I want to overcome certain societal pressures to do with finances and recognition. The center of me is simply good, the layers and layers of barriers to that, partly osmotic, are protections imposed to 'fit' the world I was brought up in.

Metta Meditation Reflection - Mar 25 14

Link to meditation, guided by Bhante Sujato

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, physically some pain but not a strong hinderance, during the meditation the pain lessened as I relaxed into my posture and adjusted it through the course of the meditation.

There is a conflict set up in me by metta that puzzles and prevents connecting with loving kindness as I start each metta meditation. Elsewhere in meditation practice we are guided to let go of all wanting and in metta we are guided to wish happiness for all things. This obvious wanting, for love, to give love is unresolved unless I find guidance to connect metta meditation to all othe practice.

My choice during metta meditation therefore is to let the contradiction go and let the meditation take me where it does. Today I find I felt relaxed and more focussed and "solid" by the end of it than at the start, I have no connection to the warmth of loving kindness inside of me that the guidance asks us to notice, but I feel some peace and that is what I feel I send out to all things during the stage of metta where we wish happiness for all beings.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Mar 24 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Mostly sitting and thinking today, relaxed, some mindfulness.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Mar 23 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

On coming to the meditation in a fairly calm, neutral manner, physically comfortable, the meditation progressed as far as relaxing the body and beginning to relax the mind in the present moment. Thoughts swam around, in my low-grade mindfulness they seem unbidden though I appreciate a stronger mindfulness reveals more.

Calm thoughts that come, moving the imagination and producing some creative language and exploration in thought are not the initially expected results of meditation, yet at my level are the most common shallow result. There is a deeper result which is most beneficial, which is a slow, not deep, but felt, inuring from common daily stresses. I have a little more peace, and more resilience in the sense of a quicker recovery to equilibrium from a stress event or series of thoughts, and even less tendency to fall into patterns of repetitive negative thought.

I go no deeper into the lotus, but I have a fuller appreciation of the outer petals. I sense that the deeper into the lotus we go, taken by kindness and mindfulness, the more secure we become as human beings.

"The only sane response to existence is apathy," was a thought that popped into my mind when I had drifted to remembering the new television version of Cosmos, when it attempted to show the scale of the universe, both external to our physical scale regarding the planet, solar system, universe and ever greater and the internal scale of cells, molecules, atoms and... I always wondered what all the space between the smallest level of particles is (not in the sense of it a scientific name - whatever the language used calls it at any moment). It is there that consciousness and what some human beings call God exists, I expect.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Mar 20 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm,

Came to the meditation reasonably relaxed, had not involved myself in many distractions prior to starting. I was able to let go of the body reasonably well and looked to relax my mental world.

I was soon lost in a variety of fairly negative thoughts that, though they didn’t descend into anxiety, were circular and largely unfounded in their stresses - thoughts of the future based on stresses of the past, worries over finances for our family that our life has not borne out and will hopefully settle and be able to be let go of in time.

The fit in this society which requires money to buy goods, for most of us, is an uncomfortable one for me, probably because of the cycle of dependency it requires, even a cycle of repression of creativity and joy, should you be earning money through ways you do not wish to continue. I have no desire to try and live without money, to be dependent on the kindness of donations as the monks who guide these meditations are. I have an admiration and respect for that life, but not a strong feeling that it is my path, one somehow missed and lost this time round. If anything I feel I may have trodden that path before in other lives (though I cannot even say I believe fully in reincarnation) perhaps with some fulfillment, perhaps with some fear.

Am I making the best of this life, am I understanding Karma, will I find contentment and see contentment in the hearts of those I love? Meditation has been beneficial most days, today I have reverted to a stressful mind, not being kind to myself or mindful of the perils I can avoid. Maybe later I will let go of the stresses, meditation seems to have helped them fall away quicker than in my life before it.

'Peace' Meditation Reflection - Mar 19 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation after doing various menial things this morning, again, not prioritizing it and allowing myself to be taken into the daily usual business and finance frustrations before starting. It's how I perceive my "monkey mind" – not allowing myself to let go and grasping for more.

During the meditation I was able to let go of the body well, I felt quite comfortable despite some physical pain the last 24 hours. Relaxing into my meditation posture let me turn to my mental state, which was not do relaxed, my wandering thoughts and imagination leading to some anxieties and catastrophising, though behind it I felt was some fear of loneliness or fear of judgement, though why I should have fears of those, I have not discovered yet.

The most common fear is of insufficient financial means to live the 'quality' of life with my loved one that allows for moments of peace and happiness. I understand the fallacy of this, that peace and happiness are internal and eroded by the taint of striving (for money, say). I still persist in maintaining that life though, my happiness coming just enough to keep me sane.

By the end of the meditation I felt a little more mentally relaxed, though these persistent thoughts were not let go of as successfully as in other meditations.

I don't negate the benefit of meditation because of that, I believe it to be providing a calming influence in my life and to giving me glimpses of a more peaceful life ahead.

'Attitude' Meditation Reflection - Mar 17 14

Link to meditation guided by Ven Cittapalo

Came to the meditation after a disturbed sleep, with a day ahead for a loved one that marks a turning point for them, which will affect the family's emotional life for a while, so it is on my mind too, however I try and let it go, which I have to a large degree; letting things unfold with less tension now than I might have had at other times. It is easy to know that it is not about me, I am there as support and encouragement, hopefully to celebrate relief.

The meditation allowed me to let go of my body well, too, for some time, though again there was some discomfort later on and I moved position. This is a longer meditation and sometimes it feels it. I had times where I just settled on the breath, or on my heartbeat, and did not have distracting thoughts. When I did have thoughts they fairly quickly became peripheral and I centered back on 'now', more so from about half way through the meditation.

I feel alert at the end of the meditation and more connected and 'alive' than before it, once again.

'30 Minute Meditation' Reflection - Mar 16 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Almost didn't do today's meditation, being a victim of my monkey mind and being distracted by all manner of things leaving me little time before leaving for a later commitment. Just time though to fit in this 30 minute meditation (a little less, in truth), it's one I like.

During the meditation I was able to relax and let go of the body significantly, left to relax my mental world, I experienced what I presume is the usual lay experience of drifting thoughts. There were some moments of peace, where I began focusing on the breath, or rather my attention settled on the breath, but thoughts popped in again and distracted. The thoughts today had less worry behind them, some were amusing, some were forgotten within moments of having them, they weren't fully the centre of my attention at any time, becoming peripheral soon after occurring.

Coming to the end of the meditation I felt relaxed, more alert and less burdened than before it, the meditation does me good in that way, and so I carry on with it, most times wondering if there will be any breakthrough to deeper layers, but having in mind that to do that sets up a situation where one can't let go, for that wondering leads to wanting.

Best to just take the meditation as it comes and for whatever it is each time, there will always be another one as long as I keep up the practice. Like focusing on each event, or each day, instead of a life, when it brings less than what it offers in total.

'Attitude' Meditation Reflection - Mar 15 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ven Cittapalo

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, perhaps a little tired – several things on my mind to complete within a timeframe and certain worries over finances hovering in the background, but these were low level concerns, or more accurately, concerns kept at arms length. Physically I felt quite well and ready to meditate.

During the guided visualization, again I had no sense of seeing a reflection of myself. I could not even visualize the mirror, instead I let myself feel what I could about my attitude. Were I looking at a reflection, initially I thought I appeared a bit sad and deflated, theses emotions coming from relationship concern mainly, then I allowed that attitude to change and saw myself be more positive and grateful, to have a smile and consider how wonderful my life was.

Taking this attitude forward felt like a right thing to do in the meditation, yet I soon forgot and drifted into many different areas of indistinct and unimportant thought, this persisted for most of the meditation, interspersed with adjusting my posture two or three times as I felt pins and needles so moved my legs, straightening them for a while, crossing them again after and so on, till I settled a little.

I did come to a place of peace but only very near the end of the meditation, I realised I was comfortable and that I felt calm and positive, also that there were no thoughts running around. This was a good place to be, I noticed the breath and followed that for a while, then we were brought out of meditation.

On general reflection I think it seems to be taking me quite a while to shed the thoughts and uncertain emotions I have been experiencing for the last several days; that I have plenty of letting go to do to bring me to a peaceful place. Most of the emotion and thought are of course mixed up with "wanting" (more and better, or less and better; peace and contentment in any event, the impossible conundrum I have not shaken my desire for - peace and joy only being approached by letting the wanting and striving go). I could perhaps listen to some talks to redirect me as well as continuing my meditation practice.

'Atitude' Meditation Reflection - Mar 14 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ven. Cittapalo.

Came to the meditation after some quite intense stresses early morning, which were largely resolved, physically I had some discomfort in my side, but otherwise OK.

This meditation called for the visualization of a reflection, to see and feel the attitude brought to the meditation. I was unable to see myself in the visualized mirror, I saw other things, none distinct or coherent, mainly dream like spaces and beings, and none felt as if they were a reflection of me; if anything, I felt that I was not in the mirror.

As the meditation progressed and my attention drifted, with thoughts coming in, though none were pressing, I came back to the visualization of the mirror, and never once saw myself. I would say it is because my concentration and ability to see the visualization are poor, not drawing any further conclusion from that.

I was comfortable and able to relax the body, and my thoughts did not trouble me, at the end of the meditation I feel quite relaxed, though can glean nothing distinct from this guidance as opposed to the process in other guided meditations, at least regarding the meditation practice.

It is of course very useful to imagine oneself and see and feel how you appear, if you consider that is perhaps what others see and feel. To soften ones attitude and to have a good outlook is more pleasing for others to be around, and brings more joy and peace into interaction and to oneself.

'Peace' Meditation Reflection - Mar 13 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, a little tired and aware of a time constraint whereby I had to be out of the meditation within the hour. However, I was able to sit comfortably and let go of the body significantly, leaving my mind to relax into the space left. I had some drifting thoughts, mainly to do with balance (good/evil; noise/silence; male/female) and other thoughts to do with my body being made of the same stuff as the world I inhabit, so it can merge with it, be absorbed by it, yet my spirit is distinct, perhaps, free to float. I felt quite relaxed by the end of the meditation, and more alert than at the beginning. Off out into the world now.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Mar 12 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation quite tired, after a very deep sleep, with frustrations playing out in my dreams that left a little mental hangover this morning, physically though I thought I was relaxed, during the early part of the meditation however, I was unable to get comfortable and was shifting my posture often.

After I had settled my thoughts swept around, the preoccupation being one of finding my place in this world as in previous days, whereby I was both fulfilling my creative talent and so provided with a financial means to live on, these have been disparate in my life so far. I also again had the underlying thought to let life lead me where it will, seen in yesterday's meditation reflection even, as long as I can be peaceful and engaged in society. These desires too seem somewhat exclusive of each other.

The bottom line is that they are "wanting," and it has come back with some force in recent days, pushing out internal peace, given importance after an argument with a loved one initially, but always just beneath the surface for me, all my life.

By the end of the meditation I had let go of the thoughts significantly, really only just at the very end was I beginning to feel more peaceful.

When asked how deep into the lotus I went. I thought, "one layer - letting go the body." When asked what's it like in there, I thought "bigger", when asked how I feel right now and what's it like close to the end of the meditation, I thought "fine" and "better than it was close to the start of the meditation."

Mentally and physically it stays true currently that I feel better after a meditation than before. Good.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Mar 11 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditate quite relaxed physically, and mentally ok, though some concerns that persist over long term financial stability that have come up in recent days were in my mind. During the meditation I was able to let go of the body quite well, I did not think of it hardly at all, just adjusted my position minimally a couple of times. My mental world was busy but indistinct, thoughts flowing from one unconsidered subject to another, mindfulness aware of it but only occasionally able to let the thoughts finish and have some silence. I did not have the mindfulness to consider relaxing the muscles around my eyes today, which on other days has helped me still my thoughts, as if the two are linked somehow. 

When asked how far into the lotus I went, I thought, "nowhere" and when asked what it's like in there I thought, "I have no idea." a third question by Ajahn Brahm, "How do you feel right now?" found me feeling relaxed physically but mentally a bit busy, though for me a simple answer is "not bad," – a very British answer – I felt ok, quite alert, not overtly anxious, which I have been for a few mornings, and fairly open to my future being none of my concern beyond doing what I can now.

My past, which has been scrutinized negatively in recent days, well, that is a fairly open book, which I don't read often. I have not had the fulfillment in financial or critical acheivement that my upbringing demanded of me, nor have I had the confidence to impose myself into situations that others do - where I may feel I have ability and knowledge beyond those that garner praise, I have not had the focus, calm or adaptability - and particularly not having the ability to not care about what I was doing - that may have kept me in work I was regarded as being good at. Similarly I have not had the ability to care about recognition and reward enough to pursue it, nor have I had the mental toughness to maintain sense when under (particularly emotional) stress.

This life will bring what it may, I look to achieve what I can within the boundaries of my limitations and surroundings, usually working at the edges of those boundaries, so they may expand. I wish to bring good things to many people though I don't seem to cross the line between wishing it and being able to  do it. There are ideas I have now which may change that, but the biggest change will have to have come in me first, by having the ability to persist instead of to resist, and if I can flow like water around stresses and frustrations, then I also hope I can collect in a needed place and bring life to the soil I seep into, instead of stagnating over impermeable rock.

'Peace' Meditation Reflection - Mar 10 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation quite stressed and anxious, mostly mentally, but physically in pretty good shape. A few days of emotional turmoil has led to this and been added to by a lack of sleep and agitation in the home. During the mediation I was able to let go of the body reasonably fully and then found myself drifting through various thoughts to do with the events of the last few days and my emotional response to them, whilst also looking to let go of the negative feelings that have arisen and to not go over the upsetting words thrown in my direction beyond acknowledging them to be frustrations shared between me and loved ones. Thoughts went to the nature of the life I wish to lead, which doesn't tally with western society's relentless push to achieve more and acquire more.

I often felt these two credo's have been the root of so much anxiety and anger that I have pretty much divested myself of them as future goals, though I look to pursue achievement within the means I have to both improve my ability in whatever I am doing and to have items of utility for myself and my family which we value the quality of. This latter materialism is a hinderance I am aware of being insatiable, always able to consume as much as is given to it.

The desire for personal achievement is a puzzle I still am considering, that may always escape me. I have little idea why I want to 'achieve', beyond it being engrained in me as the purpose of my life, but I do still have an internal dissatisfaction that calls for "more," that is hard to let go of - many would say to embrace it, but that way unhappiness lies, I fear.

I know that I do "want," mainly good things (joy, contentment, peace) for myself and those I love and for humanity and life as a whole. That's a lot of wanting - wanting that can't be fulfilled by me, if ever wanting can be fulfilled? I am drawn to recall Ajahn Brahm saying that our will is our enemy. Why are we constructed like that though, to what end are we corrupted?

Meditation reflections March 8 & 9 2014

These were shorter outside meditations which weren't guided. I find great peace in allowing the sounds of the world fill me and push out my internal monologues or dialogues. For a half an hour each day I sat by the Hudson and heard the water lapping, the birds calling, people passing and traffic rushing by behind me, none of them drawing my attention as a distraction or drawing a focus one greater than the other, but being the meditation objects themselves. I am not always successful in this, the sounds that pull my attention are people talking loudly or music being played - those I don't tune out so easily. Otherwise I find this to be a very enjoyable way of 'meditating'.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Mar 07 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation fairly calm, physically and mentally. There was some aggravation this morning that was in my mind but it did not persist into the meditation. Some physical discomfort in my side did stay and was not able to be let go of or relaxed much, though I did not have it take my focus away greatly.

During the meditation there were a couple of periods of mental silence, of some peace, though my experience of or is rather like 'disappearing', so I sense the world around, the sounds mostly, though not labeling them or having them take me out of the peaceful state, as if the world goes on and I am not physically here, but am an invisible, insubstantiate observer. (yes, I know that is an invented word)

Outside of the moments of silence, I remembered a mention of guidance to smile, this led me to think I was not experiencing joy in meditation naturally, but would be imposing it if I actively chose to smile whilst meditating. Too much thinking there. Mostly my meditation feels impartial, I bring joy to it if I remember to, yet I mostly forget. I feel the connection to joy when I feel that disappearing begin and I have to smile at the wonderful world I perceive going on around me, so that has been my way into it, though it doesn't stay, joy in meditation is closer when I am sitting outside and warm in the sun or just feeling warmth in the air, rather than sitting in a room, and it seems to be about going outside of myself rather than going into myself. Perhaps they are the same thing.

At the end of the meditation, being asked by Ajahn Brahm, I felt maybe I had gone a petal or two into the lotus and it felt calmer and quieter there. I am pleased again to feel some mental sharpness after meditation, this is becoming more common, the tiredness of the other week is not present and my thoughts are less repetitive. I look to what I can do now to prepare for my future, more than just worrying about my future and getting stressed about what to do to avoid problems, i.e. my attention is more on 'now', more in the moment.

And still, I am easily riled, frustrated and unfulfilled. These emotions are close beneath the calmer surface, the peace of meditation like an oil slick on an ocean of effort; a hypocrisy. I'm hopeful that the experience of life enriched with meditation would help reverse that metaphor, one day.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Mar 06 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, physically and mentally, had been looking at social media and news a bit before starting so mind was left with remnants of those thoughts into the start of the meditation.

Felt able to let go of the body fairly well, and though there was some discomfort in my side that distracted for the duration, I did not have it central in my attention. Thoughts that came after I had let the body go were short lived and not repetitive or anxiety provoking, again, they were not central to my attention.

However, I did not really maintain a center at all, the thousand petalled lotus, as meditation object, did not stay in my attention long past the last mention of it by Ajahn Brahm, resurfacing occasionally.

At the end when asked, I felt that I had not gone deep into the lotus, maybe only the first layer of petals - letting go the body. There were brief periods of time in the meditation where I felt silence, so that would be a little deeper in, they were not lasting enough to connect them with petals of the lotus opening though.

I am alert at the end, I feel quite relaxed and we'll see where the day goes.

'Center Of Attention' Meditation Reflection - Mar 05 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, both physically and mentally. Was able to settle into a comfortable posture and let the body go, but quickly found I was not listening to the guidance and was pursuing thoughts all to do with wanting - career, material comfort, contentment - and ways of taking certain steps to advance projects; it was not the mentality of "this is good enough." In short, I was not meditating, just sitting thinking, albeit in a calm, relaxed manner.

At least I was mindful of this at times, so looked to let go of the thinking and put my attention on the present moment, yet I also had the notion in mind that 'in the present moment I am lost in thought'. I know that stretches the amount of time a moment is given as far as guidance in these meditations has discussed – that there is no time for thought in the moment of 'now'. Anyway, I found that my will, my desires were over-balancing my mindfulness and peacefulness, and so it was a shallow meditation, though again, as on other days this has happened recently, I feel quite alert, so it has taken me away from sleepiness, which was more present when I began the meditation.

'Center Of Attention' Meditation Reflection - Mar 04 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation quite relaxed and physically well, managed to let go of the body to a good extent and settle the mind for a little while before falling into a pattern of repetitive thinking, about an unimportant satirical issue, and from that time on I did not have the mindfulness, joy in, or perception of a meditation object for long enough to leave those thoughts and come back to peace. Some of my thoughts amused me, and I leant a little on the instruction to let the mind go where it will, without putting importance into whatever is being thought, so letting it stop of its own accord, to justify letting them persist, but it would say that it was my often prevalent 'monkey mind' that took me away from relaxing meditation today. I was almost entirely in the future, working out what I might write, "kicking the ball," and not letting my thoughts come to rest, to leave them for later and use the meditation for more beneficial purposes. I do feel alert though, so perhaps there was a benefit in there that even my repetitive thinking couldn't dispel, since the subject was, at least, enjoyable as opposed to anxiety provoking?

'Mindfulness' Meditation Reflection - Mar 03 14

Link to meditation, guided by Bikkhuni Hasapanna.

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, maybe a little melancholy, and physically well only with the most minor discomforts. I certainly found the introduction to be extremely limited, since it is only the last few minutes of what was an undoubtedly longer guidance on mindfulness in meditation and has almost nothing to consider as a meditation object, just the idea to make the breath a little less subtle should mindfulness not be able to focus on it. There is no guidance at all once the meditation starts, and we are not brought out of the meditation peacefully.

For all that, it is a useful step into self-guided meditation, and I did see that the teacher was propped up with a cushion behind her as well as her sitting on one, so I put a cushion behind my back, which I have not done for several months, and I was much more comfortable, which allowed my body to settle quicker and be let go of more completely.

What came after though was a blizzard of thought, stemming from wanting and ego, somewhat anxious and desperate (all regarding the wish for and opportunity to be employed in my creative enterprise and to blossom into that creativity with a way to earn the means to live). I managed to settle those thoughts for a while by calming my mind down, again, as yesterday, imagining it to be a pet curled up in front of a warm fire, relaxed and peaceful, or to be me lying on a beach, content. This helped for a while and then the thoughts came back again, though less insistent and less anxious. Once again I sought calm in the same manner and it came briefly, before more thoughts returned, and so the meditation went.

I came out of the meditation a little more relaxed than when I started, also more alert, so it was a good meditation in those senses.

'Mindfulness' Meditation Reflection - Mar 02 14

Link to meditation, guided by Bikkhuni Hasapanna.

Came to the meditation fairly relaxed, started by settling the body and moving on to settle the mind, allowing it to rest, visualising that restfulness as a relaxed pet curling up in front of a warm fire, then the meditation drifted in an out of gentle thoughts. I did not have a meditation object, as the post by DhammaLokaMeditation starts near the end of Bikkhuni Hasapanna's introduction. I felt perhaps that I could think of the lotus petals but that did not stay in my mind. Still, I sat and stayed relaxed throughout and allowed some peace to come.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Mar 01 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation a little flat, mentally, a bit down due to stress over financial concerns (that I likely have no great cause to be concerned about) and the emotional well being of a loved one. Physically, I had a little bit of and unsettled stomach. Through the meditation I was able to relax my body and felt no discomfort there, I was still and mostly let the body go, some small tensions in my shoulder appeared late on but it was a very minor distraction. My mind wandered to both positive and negative places, neither one deeply, there was a mix of wanting and self pity, concerns that carried over from before the meditation, and the mindfulness to say to myself "Let this alone, these are not things that need enter my mind, they are not happening now, now is a peaceful and beautiful moment, just be here." I connected with 'now' for brief moments and felt relaxed by it.

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 28 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, I had look at emails etc. before starting the meditation and there were no things that took my attention away with any intensity. I often wonder about doing that – I want to just get into the day with waking and maybe a shower, a hot drink and then the meditation, but I almost always exhibit the 'monkey mind' and delve into work issues by opening emails or take my mind to personal or political matter by looking at Facebook or Newspapers. I feel these things distract me from a potentially peaceful start to the day and progress with meditation by causing the meditation to take longer to get into after such current, western, middle-class preoccupations.

At the the start of today's meditation I felt that a hinderance was the fact that I was using the meditation simply as a means to continue with my usual practice of living, but with added relaxation, like giving myself a pat on the back for doing meditation without really approaching any of the benefits of it beyond the most shallow. So once that popped into my mind I put some distance between the thoughts and encouraged myself to let my mind rest. In effect I suppose I brought some kindness to the mindfulness, seeing that my mind never usually really got to rest, to be quiet, and I let myself believe I could do that. The result was some more appreciable silence than other recent meditations and though thoughts did come occasionally again I thought to distance myself from them by letting there be some quiet, not needing the thoughts to come, letting them stop. "Not now," I was saying to myself, "let the meditation really be a time of rest."

So I did sense some more depth to the meditation, unfurling the outer petals without consciously attempting to relax my body much, but letting it happen, being aware of it distantly. I pictured the petals opening, and when my body prompted me to move, the petals closed from the outside, no matter the fact that other peace was going on – the body called strongly.

In this way the meditation progressed, then at the end I felt the breath deeply just as we were being ask to come out of the meditation, so I stayed with it a little longer to see if I could feel the awareness of the breath stay prominent, but it did not stay and a few minutes later came out of the meditation myself. I feel relaxed and that I may have some insight that, if i can apply it, might give me some more depth to my meditations in the future.

Re the medical procedure and trying to enter a meditation under sedation, well, no, that was a non-starter. Propofol allowed nothing but a jump from one moment to another :-).

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 27 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, a little lightheaded as I have been on a liquid only diet for about 36 hrs ahead of a medical procedure later today. I remembered Ajahn Brahm saying that meditation often went better on an empty stomach, but in my case today it was a peaceful but still a fairly shallow meditation. I was able to still the mind and have some times of silence, also there was some time where I had felt my perception expanded to encompass more of the space surrounding me than just the room I sat in - as if I encompassed the outside neighborhood a little, only in the sense that the sounds I heard felt as if they were going on inside of rather than outside of me.

My thoughts were minimal, nothing that grabbed me for long before I let it go, I had the thought to use the sedation I'll be under later to take me into a deep meditation but I doubt very much my mindfulness is strong enough to let me stay aware to even keep that in mind once the plunger is pushed. Will write later if I do experience anything like the deeper meditation stages Ajahn Brahm describes.

So, I feel relaxed. Once again when asked how many layers into the lotus we went I immediately thought, "None," that the lotus was closed but inside it was aware of possibilities for deep peace, like something inside me was keeping a secret, but a secret that warms me,  saying "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, I'll let you in when you're ready, don't worry."

'Lotus' Meditation Reflection - Feb 26 14

Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.

Came to the meditation quite relaxed, some thoughts on a medical procedure tomorrow but minimally distracting, physically pretty good with only a minor discomfort. During the meditation I was able to let go of the body a little, not completely, finding I was shifting posture every now and again to be comfortable and relieve aches or irritation from the posture I was in, so this made it difficult to go any deeper, yet there were peaceful moments when I felt my mind still and these were/are almost always linked with relaxing the muscles around the eyes and in my brow. When that happens I feel much 

'lighter' physically and more relaxed overall.

Often then I notice colors and lights behind the eyes, but I believe these are almost certainly just the senses of light through the closed eyelids and not nimmita's. Perhaps they preview nimmita a little in the sense that my mind is relaxing? Anyhow, as the meditation progress I went no deeper than this and as the time came to reflect on how far into the lotus I had gone, the image that popped into my mind was of a closed lotus with only the very smallest opening at its top as if the sun was able to warm the inside a little and provide a glimpse of wonderful peace to come, to wake up my inside and say "this is here," yet the petals are closed, I have not yet even let go of the body.

I don't find this at all distracting, if anything it amuses me to visualize that as my progress – that I could feel good and yet have gone almost nowhere, barely scratching the surface of peace, not opening my heart to kindness, but at least being aware that I have a journey to take, when I learn to let go and be kind at each step by simply doing it and not considering before or on the way.