Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm.
Came to the meditation immensely stressed from an uncertain financial worry. The stress is one I fall into despite it not being a certain and real imminent problem, it is a fear I have not been able to let go of. I remember at those times that a measure of the strength of ones practice is how much of the teaching can be held onto under duress. I clearly lose almost all my connection to eace at the drop of a hat, which adds to my frustration.
During the meditation I was able to let go of the body fairly well, some physical pain persists at a low level and my body still moves in what feels like an automatic way to relieve tensions in my neck and upper back.
Mentally I was able to let go of the gripping fear and repetitive thoughts, finding some moments of silence and of reflection that came to me, those being that I have confused receiving money with receiving love, have confused being paid with being valued.
Where I also suffer is being driven from a place of peace simply by the consideration of not being able to have money to live a life in which I am part of all levels of society.
The value placed by society on what I do has become a standard by which I measure being loved for myself; this is the torment of rejected art. Most work is not taken as a value by which a person measures themselves fully, yet in art it is.
I also suffer the fear of disappointing my loved ones, by proving myself to be incapable of protecting them and by still needing protection.
All these fears being considered help me feel calmer, I hope it lasts.
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