Link to meditation, guided by Ajahn Brahm,
Came to the meditation with much relief, after the anxious state of yesterday and the evening before was released by seeing it was self-imposed by not waiting and seeing a bigger picture.
What I was afraid of was not going to happen, but my fears took me to a place where it was already happening.
Anyway, today's meditation felt peaceful, thoughts were few and my mind was quite open. The talk beforehand was about not possibly knowing the nature of ourselves or our existence until enlightenment so it helped me hold the notion of not pursuing explanation or insight, as it will always be misguided or at best just one part of the picture: a fish cannot know water.
This was part of my meditation object, allowing me not to explore thoughts that came up, which were the usual wanting, wanting to know, to be more, to be enlightened, to be wealthy, not wanting to be as I am: to be afraid, to be searching, to be lost. These wants and not wants are the barrier to peace, I have not overcome, from my earliest notions as a child - wanting contentment and being knowingly stuck in that paradox.
I will continue practicing not wanting, I believe I can perceive it, at least.
If I am a fish, maybe I am a flying fish. Perhaps I am not a fish but a dolphin, knowing of different states, yet not poking my head above water yet.
These metaphors are a poor state of affairs. They describe wanting, themselves, pointing to one who cannot just be what they are.
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